Heidi Isern

writer. thinker. whiskey drinker.

Five Things I am NOT Thankful For

During Thanksgiving the internet will be crowded with saccharine odes of gratitude. Well, not from me. There is plenty NOT to be thankful for and I’d like to address it.

1. Cellulite

It is the gift that keeps giving… people a complex. When I was in my 20’s a beautiful 40-something women told me, “Appreciate your tight skin now, because, trust me, as you get older, things start to loosen like a Shar Pei puppy.”

I laughed her off then. Yet now, in the latter part of my 30’s, new folds and dimples greet me in the mirror every day. While I’m not thankful they are in my life, I was brought up to be a gracious host. Thus, I’ve decided to name them and welcome them: “Hello Doris and Bertha! Welcome to my body. Please join me for Thanksgiving dinner.”

If you can’t beat ’em, feed ’em more pumpkin pie, right?

2. Ex boyfriends

When you break up there should be a planet that you can zap all your exes to. Don’t men belong on Mars anyway? I think my exes would all get along quite nicely, frolicking under the stars, united in their emotional unavailability. They don’t belong on earth.

Sadly, San Francisco is a small planet, and I am bound to run into them everywhere. Usually on a Sunday morning when they are looking all dapper with a new blond as an arm accessory and I have just rolled out of bed, bedraggled from some late night whisky event the night before. Ex-boyfriends ONLY appear when I have dark creases under my eyes and hair that resembles a patch of tumbleweeds.

3. Fake News sites

Although many fake news sites provided comic relief during the election chaos, they also started to make me question what is real. I’ve started to develop a conspiracy theory that perhaps the REAL news sites are wrong and the fake sites are onto something. Maybe Trump really IS going to appoint Lord Voldemort as his chief advisor? Right? I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT’S REAL ANYMORE.

4. Gluten free

Why did half of San Francisco develop a late breaking gluten allergy over the past three years? It’s like they are jealous of the 2 percent of the population that has Celiac’s, a quite serious disease that gives people chronic diarrhea. Gluten seems to be responsible for everything nowadays- IBS, ADHD, even FOMO. We are afraid to touch the stuff and the grocery stores label half their goods as gluten free, including t-bone steaks, just in case there was any confusion.

 Gluten free advocates proclaim “Well, our paleo ancestors didn’t eat the stuff.” Our paleo ancestors also didn’t have indoor plumbing and died by age 25 (well before cellulite could hit ‘em).

Because of people’s phobias, I am forced to eat sawdust replacements of my favorite baked goods over the holidays. Bleh. Same amount of calories, none of the flavor.

5. Posts on what we are thankful for

Every year people let social media know that they are thankful for their family, their health, and their Netflix subscription. It’s kinda like Valentine’s Day when smitten couples scurry to find restaurants and roses. These couples barely talk at dinner because they are too busy trying to capture the right instagram moment so the world knows how in love they are.

Seeing my feed clogged with gratitude makes me question my own. Am I unthankful unless it’s painted on my wall? If my feelings don’t happen on Facebook, do they really happen?

I guess I’d rather NOT orate what I am thankful for and instead do something positive. DOING as opposed to SAYING for a writer is a bit unconventional, but I’m going to give it a shot. I’ll start by spending more time with people I love, instead of telling everyone else how much I love them.

Well, after Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving I’m going to an ashram and be cleansed of social media. And food. No one will know if I’m thankful for, gluten free chanting or not.

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