Lessons From Pink Floyd: Drugs, S…anity and Rock n’ Roll

Last Friday a motley crew went to see Roger Waters perform Pink Floyd’s The Wall. It wasn’t a concert. It was an image and sound spectacle, a rock opera performance with screens, giants, and fireworks lighting up the entirety of AT&T ballpark.

Like many of my generation, I first started listening to Pink Floyd in high school, feeling only its lyrics could relate to the melodrama in mind. Like any teenager, I felt no one could understand my personal pain except for rich, drugged up rock stars. Now, as an adult, I try to relate to careers that don’t require heroin. However, the music still brings out those exaggerated emotions melded with a faint hope I have moved beyond pubescent self-absorption.

I told my dad about the concert and he promptly stated “Hmpff. That’s a show for stoners.” My mom interjected ‘Heidi, maybe you and your friends should see a more pleasant 70’s group, like The Grateful Dead…..oh wait, I think that’s a stoners group too…..” My mom forgot that I knew she was a past Grateful Dead groupie.

If we were any good at rolling joints, we would have lived up to my parent’s expectations. However, our feeble attempts left most of the precious plant on the floor of the stadium. However, you didn’t have to be high to wrap yourself up into the musical experience, joining the huge crowd in collective emotion. Watching the show was also reminder to stay with the world and not put up our own barriers and enter reclusion.

For those that have not seen the show or movie, The Wall’s story line is simple. Each life event causes the main character, Pink Floyd, to create a ‘brick’ in his personal wall.

1. Pink’s dad dies in WWII
2. Pinks’ mum is overbearing
3. Pink gets tormented at school, his artistic talents are chided (has any great artist ever had an easy time at school?)
4. Pink draws into himself with music as his only release and turns into a moody rockstar
5. Moody rockstar (Pinks) gets married…but his wife cheats on him while he’s on tour
6. Pink cannot manage his deep feelings of isolation, loses his mind to ‘worms’
7. Pink’s ‘worms’ make it hard to perform
8. Pink’s manager injects him with hallucinogenic drugs, so that he can play again (obviously the only solution in the late 70s/early 80s)
9. Pink’s drugged brain creates lyrical fantasies where everyone is attacked, dictators emerge, and he puts himself on trial for failure
10. Wall comes crashing down
Okay, so it doesn’t sound that uplifting and does make life seem rather futile. But almost anyone (anyone interesting anyway) can relate to many parts of the story line and empathize. They may also glean a few takeways:

PINK FLOYD TAKEAWAYS

1. Life is hard.
As they say, shit happens. Life is challenging with many people trying to destroy us. Your mind is constantly riddled with self-doubt and insecurities. However, the more we live inside ourselves, the more self-absorbed we become. Although parts were highly relatable, Pink’s story was rather one of nihilistic victimhood.
2. We have a choice on how to manage it.
We can give in and become victims of our own mind. It can turn us into crazed beasts that only communicate with our own brain coils, like the tragic story of Pink Floyd. Or we can decide to open up outward to the world and acknowledge that other possibilities exist. If we want to be positive we can take the Wall’s ending as a sign of rebirth.

During the past few weeks I had a ‘floydian’ bought of insecurity. I distinctly remember a good friend telling me, “Stop. Stop. Your thoughts are not real. Pay attention to the outside world.”
She was right. The more we turn inward, the crazier a world we concoct. Although it works well for writing poetry, it doesn’t bode well for relationships. Staying inside our own head is ultimately selfish. We refuse to acknowledge others around us, world opportunities, the sunshine peeking through the fog. If we pay attention, we’ll realize that there is a lot of good shit out there too.

Enjoy the music of The Wall, revel in its genius notes. However, don’t use it as inspiration to create your own. It’s a lonely path, even for a rock star.

“And all you touch and all you see, is all your life will ever be”
― Pink Floyd

What Would Machiavelli Do?

I can relate a lot of my personal life to Sex and the City episodes. In difficult romantic situations I often wonder, “what would Carrie Bradshaw do?” I can relate a lot of my business life to texts I was forced to read in AP literature class. When an old business colleague asked me for advice on how to best manage her team, I thought, “what would Machiavelli do?

Many know Machiavelli for his famous line on governance in The Prince, “It is better to be feared than loved.” If you were brave enough to read the whole book, you’d know he really said, “It was better to be feared than loved IF you cannot be both.” If you were forced to analyze the concept more deeply, you would also know that he felt great men should develop virtue and prudence. He also stated that although it is better to be feared than loved, the worst of all leadership traits was to be hated. Awwww, that Machiavelli had a soft spot after all! Perhaps he and Carrie Bradshaw would have gotten along.

Some of this sounds like common knowledge, but many company executives forget virtue and compassion in their thirst for power and ruin their careers due to broken relationships. There was someone I worked with years ago that was very keen to rise through the ranks through iron-fisted ruling. When her promotion was on the table she worked extra hard to show management she had a grasp on her employees’ productivity. When one of her staff asked for a personal day to visit his mother in the hospital, she said no. When another planned an in office bridal shower, she cut it short. When management asked me for my consulting recommendation of her candidacy for VP, I paused. “You know, you should ask her staff.” They did and decided against her promotion. What good was a leader that no one liked?

I know that Silicon Valley thinks Steve Jobs was great partially due to the fact that he was a jerk. Please bear in mind that Steve was an anomaly and an outlier on the social intelligence vs. leadership graph. Steve, I do love you but you are not statistically relevant. I’ve worked with executive levels across multiple industries. Those that rose to the top generally did so because they had an ability to care about and motivate those around them. Those that didn’t usually stayed middle managers who complained to me. Who wants to promote a complainer?

If you want to relate this to Sex and the City (and who doesn’t) remember how Miranda had such poor luck with men when she was critical of them. She was a constant debbie downer that we all wanted to throw shoes at. It wasn’t until Steve reminded her that she needed to loosen up that she fell in love.

Of course, I wanted to give my colleague sound leadership advice that went beyond Sex and the City and books that dated back to 1512. I scanned the shelves at my neighborhood bookstore. Wow— I really didn’t understand where “leadership” ended and “self help” started. Titles ranged from “Awakening the Leader Within….(tiger roar)” to “Be the Boss your Employees Deserve” to “How to be a Happy Executive in 5 Easy Steps.” I’m happy Machiavelli wasn’t with me or he would have vomited inside his mouth.

I needed something less Tony Robbins and more….zen? I scanned the web for more articles and stumbled across Fast Company’s, “Empathy Is The Most Powerful Leadership Tool.” After reading the first paragraph I swooned. I had my nugget.

It states, “Anything we’re trying to make happen as a leader involves other people, and the fact is, most people don’t have to follow us. They don’t have to believe in our great ideas, buy our great products, or do what we want them to do. Even when we have authority–as parents of teenagers will tell you–our power doesn’t go very far without others believing that what we want them to do is in their best interests.”

Hmmm…now what would Machiavelli think? In the Middle Ages people didn’t really have much of a choice but to go along with their ‘Prince’ Torture was legal (drawing and quartering anyone?) and most people lived in unpleasant fiefdoms. However, even back then royalty had to prevent uprisings and keep order. This was probably easier when they had the plebeians’ interests in mind.

The author of the Fast Company articles states that in order to effectively lead, “become the other person and go from there.” From the plebes of yore to your staff, this is sound advice.

This helps not only in leading but in selling as well. For example, I now work in business development conferences. There is no way I am going to get anyone to sponsor an event unless I first understand their interests and goals. I help myself by helping them first. I am not sure if this is what Machiavelli meant by virtue, but it does seem a much more pleasant way of doing business than “my way or the highway.”

Fearful leaders may be respected. However, empathetic leaders are more often admired.

A return to first principles in a republic is sometimes caused by the simple virtues of one man. His good example has such an influence that the good men strive to imitate him, and the wicked are ashamed to lead a life so contrary to his example.
-Niccolo Machiavelli

Not Thinking About Sex in a Monastery

Hedonism and asceticism have always been fundamental parts of American culture. Never able to completely stay true to one path, we take turns diving into each, using one to wash us from the pleasurable guilt of the other.

In pursuit of a little of each for writing inspiration, I drove down Big Sur, California. Big Sur was home of religious devotion, organics, and the erotic novels of Henry Miller. Miller had once said, “the best way to get over a woman was turn her into literature.” I have a suspicion that Mr. Miller also got over them through drinks, smokes, and, well, other women.

The last time I had come this far down the coastal Highway 1 I spent a weekend at Esalen, a new age retreat where I partook in writing seminars, drum circles, and much to the horror of my friends, naked hot springs. I was debating another such course but was reprimanded by my cousin, Lauren. “Heidi you don’t need another writing class. You just need to sit down and do it.”

Right.

But where?

The Monastery

Rather than losing myself in hedonistic pursuits, I choose the New Calmaldoli Hermitage, a monastic community embracing abstinence and silence. Not drinking or talking may sound like my version of hell, but ‘heaven’ hadn’t been working out so well…

I grabbed my cousin, threw on my trusty red cowboy boots, and hit the sunlit road south to Lucia, site of the Hermitage. The monastery was set into the hills that overlooked the expanse of the Pacific. You could hear the waves crash and echo against the rocks creating a calming rhythm. There was probably a recording studio nearby making the next “meditative sounds of nature” soundtrack to play in urban gynecological offices.

We were greeted by Patrick, a jovial white robed monk, who encouraged us inside the reception area. It was filled with religious texts, multiple Jesus paintings (solemn Jesus, happy Jesus, surprised Jesus, etc), and fresh baked fruitcake. He explained to us that the monks passed their hours in revered bliss, gardening the small hillside plots, baking, cleaning, and praying. The Camaldolese monks worry that our modern life gives few opportunities for reflective solitude and thus they created meditative retreats for the public. The ‘no service’ area also indicated that Lauren and I would spend a weekend without the noise of Facebook, Twitter, and our cell phones. Without such distractions we would gain four hours back each day.

Patrick directed us to our cottage and Lauren and I walked up a dirt path to a yellow octagon shaped hut with a cross on the pointed roof. It came equipped with a bathroom, a kitchen, and a set of Rosary beads for each of us.

“Should we pray?” I whispered.

Lauren looked at me. Neither one of us came from a heavily religious background.

Hiking at Limekiln

“Maybe it’s good enough if we just…think positive?”

And we did. We happily wrote, hiked, and went to mass to chant with the robed men.
We were practicing respectful solitude.

Avoiding Hedonism?

I cannot say my writing was filled with as holy dedication as my actions. I was working on a set of vignettes, creating characters out of lovers in case I needed to get over them. There is something about being inside a deeply religious place that just makes you think about sex. It was terrible. Every time I tried to focus on maintaining a spiritual aspect of my writing, a giant penis entered my thoughts. I tried to write about “origin”, but the words “orgasm” kept appearing. I blamed Henry Miller. His old residence was too close; the monks’ gardens were built of off erotic soil.

When my hands cramped from writing, I headed toward the communal kitchen for nourishment. Leaflets were posted about the food, ensuring us that the bread had been baked in silent holiness. I wondered how monk’s bread tasted compared to loaves baked by the noisy, sacrilegious. Other silent retreaters hovered around the kitchen, acknowledging my presence with a smiling nod. I wanted to ask them questions—why are you here, where did you come from, who do you love, but knew such banter was forbidden. Here talking was overrated, a mere space filler to more profound stirrings in the soul.

The sunset at Treebones

On our last evening at the Hermitage, Lauren and I decided to leave religion for an outdoor bar 10 miles down the road to watch the sunset. The sun was already lowering in the sky, casting a golden glow over the sea. We didn’t talk during the car ride, allowing our hearts to take in the smells and scenery of the Pacific.

At the Treebones bar, we greeted by a friendly waiter, Ethan. Upon seeing an eager face I couldn’t help end the mute phase and opened my mouth to ask questions. Ethan generously answered telling us he moved here from Illinois, desperate to be near the waters. He lived in a small brown trailer nearby and hunted for jade on his day off. He didn’t know much about wine so Lauren and I had him pour different glasses of red so that he could smell the differences between them. Silence may be golden but connecting to others is often more valuable.

A view from the Hermitage

We drove back to the Hermitage our stomachs warm with wine and conversation. We debated if we should set the alarm at 5am for sunrise prayer or even earlier for a moonlit bath in Esalen’s hot tub. After practicing silent reflection, we didn’t feel guilty for our occasional wayward ways. Embracing life is about experiencing both sides of the pendulum. Religion can be found in hedonism. And writing is best done when unrestrained. In the land of Henry Miller and the Camaldolese monks I realized that being true to oneself is the best type of spirituality. And it’s that, not writing, that will help you get over (or get into) anything.

The Best Things in Life are Not Things

It’s been five months since I’ve written. Not for lack of material, but rather lack of confidence. Although I had proposals and manuscripts drafted, I couldn’t put them all together. Fear of imperfection, fear of rejection, and fear of ultimate failure paralyzed me. I was too frightened to go after what I most wanted in life. Instead of writing I focused on things. Job things, handbag things, other people’s imperfection things. No, no I’m not going to write about my mistakes again. Rather, I am going to focus on what really matters in life, hoping to propel myself back into action.

Someone once told me that the best things in life aren’t ‘things.’

At the time I was fresh out of college living a simple life in Portland, Oregon. Weekends were filled with camping trips, barbecues, and organic markets. My young self was too impatient to appreciate it. I wanted to rush into a different life filled with different things. I wanted a nicer car, a higher salaried job, and lavish adventures where I would finally be recognized as the next Charlize Theron.

Now, many job changes, wrinkles, and humility lessons later, I live in San Francisco in a small abode amid the whirlwind of web startups and venture capital. Everyone is on the fast track trying to get ahead. ‘Things’ are constantly traded up: homes, jobs, spouses, or the next round of funding. However, the happy few don’t get caught up in race for more. After all, true happiness is wanting that which you already have.

If the most important things in life are not ‘things’ then what are they? Everyone has their own list, but I have three that resonate for me.

1. Simple Experiences

I’ve been very fortunate with life’s roulette wheel. I’ve been to six continents, learned various languages, and have been to exclusive parties in chichi locales where they serve fancy hors d’oeuvres that no one is really supposed to eat. However, my happiest time abroad was not bikini clad in some Richard Branson pool party, but rather wearing a dodgy “Om” t-shirt in a southern Indian Ashram. I slept on a straw mat, got up at 5.30 every morning to meditate, and ate vegan. Society’s expectations were removed and even without goat cheese and chocolate, I found myself in complete bliss. I was happy to be inside of each moment. Instead of living on the rush of adrenaline and flattery, which leaves you depleted once it’s over, I lived in gratitude for the warmth of sunshine on my face and the time to think…a gratitude that can last to this day. All it takes is stepping outside of society, slowing down, and noticing of the tiny spot of sunshine breaking through the fog line.

2. Good People

Experiences can be enjoyed solo—but what would life be without good family and friends to enjoy them with? People are the easiest thing to take for granted, yet the most important part of our life journey. The ones to be cherished aren’t always the best heeled or most well known, but rather those that love us for who we are…in every phase of ourselves.

I was going through a hard time recently and told my sister in law about it over dinner. She has seen me at my best and my worst…and I regret to say that I haven’t always been as kind to her as her generosity deserved. That night she listened to me in great detail, patiently allowing me pathetic repetitions and multiple glasses of wine. (She probably should have cut me off on both…self-indulgence and I have an unhealthy love affair). However, she simply told me she knew all of my faults but loved me anyway…because she was also able to see the goodness inside. She isn’t the only one I am grateful for. My mother sends me daily quotes gifting me with inspiration and my girlfriends have been there with tambourines to cheer me on in everything I have ever tried, whether it is a race, a new career, or this seemingly futile writing project. There is not a container large enough to hold all the appreciation I hold for them. I just need to tell them more often.

3. Internal beauty

A few months ago I was driving across the windy seaside road to Stinson Beach with my boyfriend. To the left was a grand expanse of deep blue. To our right was wild greenery fiercely hanging onto rocky cliffs. The savage beauty exhilarated me. However, I worried that unlike nature, my own would fade and I would one day become insignificant. I felt that most of my worth was tied up in my face, not in my words. I asked, “If I age and lose beauty will people no longer find me valuable?” He looked at me, smiled and said, “Well then you’ll have to work on that internal beauty, won’t you.”

He was right. The most beautiful people radiate not from their even skin tone, or botox flattened forehead, but rather from their eyes. The ones we want to most be around are not the best dressed but the most generous. At times I struggle with generosity. My mind can quickly judge and my tongue can be harsher than my heart intended. However, by trying to focus more on loving people in all their human imperfections, I noticed this amazing shift inside of me. Letting go of negative impressions and focusing on other’s beauty actually stopped my judgements! With practice I found criticism almost a challenge…it had suddenly become far easier to appreciate than to judge. I am not sure if this makes me more beautiful but it certainly makes me happier, which is the end goal anyway.

Life is short. And life is what we choose to make it. We can choose to amass external ‘things’ or we can instead focus on the experiences and people around us that fill up our insides.

Why we don’t have more women run start-ups.

Why aren’t more women run startups funded? Because there aren’t more women run start-ups!

According to Women 2.0, women found only 11% of technology companies. The question remains: Whose job is it to change that?

I recently went to LA to help conduct a panel with venture capitalists and entrepreneurs on the state of the economy. Topics to be discussed included the start-up bubble, new accelerators, and financing options for 2012. The men outnumbered the women 4:1. Although this may be a great ratio for a dance party, it wasn’t for technology. However, I was used to it.

A woman on the left side of the room clearly wasn’t. She fidgeted in her seat as we discussed start up options, finding it difficult to remain quiet. When we opened up the room for questions, she leapt out of her seat. She didn’t ask about funding opportunities, but rather about gender politics.

She said, “I’m new to the startup scene and all I see when I look around this room is old white men. What are you investors doing to fund more women founders?”

The silence in the room made me cringe. Eyes darted across the table, each (male) VC daring the other to speak first and set the stage for political correctness.

Although I’ve long been a supporter of women entrepreneurs, I still know that banks and VCs alike want to invest in the best, regardless of sex. If more women were in the pipeline, there would be more funded women. However, the men in the room had a hard time saying that to questioning eyes. They began a defensive diatribe on the (few) women they had invested in. I felt like I was in an episode of Seinfeld where George talked non-stop about his one “black friend” so that he could look politically correct.

The VCs had a hard time answering the question because there are not many women run companies for them to look at. Is it their job to go out of their way to find and uplift them? Or is it their job to fund the best companies regardless of sex, age, color, or nationality?

If we want more women run and funded start-ups then it’s up to us to create more.

It’ OUR JOB to:

Support Women Entrepreneur Communities

There are support networks that provide camaraderie, tools, and tricks for women desiring to start up companies. Women 2.0 hosts events across the United States. Astia has a program that propels women forward with pitches, connections, and advice. We don’t need VCs to create women’s clubs-we just need to involve ourselves with the ones that already exist.

Become a Geek

Although women outnumber men in overall college degrees, the number of engineering degrees received is still 80% men. For tech companies you don’t always need a business co-founder, but you sure need a technical one. Running a technology company requires one to stay up to date on the latest coding languages and trends. Don’t have a computer engineering degree? Enroll in an online coding class from Udemy. Your value to startups will increase immensely.

Lead by Example

The more female role models we have, the more women that are inspired to take risks, make sacrifices and jump ahead in a man’s world.

Leah Busque of TaskRabbit, Linda Avey and Anne Wojcicki, Co-Founders, 23andme, and Julia Hartz, Co-Founder and President, Eventbrite all took huge leaps of faith to build their businesses. They didn’t ask for help because they were women-they just went out there and did it. The more women that trail blaze, the more will follow the path.
Only when we support each other to take risk will we see the needle move of percent of female founders. Don’t ask for help playing the game-just dive in! And then….if we build it they (the investors) will come!

Resources:

Two Chicks, a Camaro, and Carla Bruni

Can we still get anywhere by taking the untraditional road?

Thanksgivings prior our family played roles out of a Norman Rockwell painting. Mom and I cooked for three days straight to make multiple courses from family recipes. Dad sharpened knives for his customary meat carving duties. My brother came in and out of the kitchen sampling the fruits of our labor…only stopping his role as chief taster to help my father with any duties that required male biceps. I was raised in a home that celebrated tradition-from holiday baking to gender roles.

This year my parents abandoned Thanksgiving tradition to take a three-week trek of Vietnam. My brother stayed with his wife’s family and ate dim sum. And I grabbed a girlfriend, flew into Phoenix, rented a Camaro convertible, and drove up to the red rocks of Sedona.

Perhaps it was the open road with an eight-cylinder vehicle. Maybe it was the Thelma and Louise inspired headscarves. My friend and I spent hours talking about love, life and gender roles, hopeful that there was a way to have our cake and eat it too. Although both of us romantically coveted the idea of a life partner that would open up our doors, we both had created a life of fierce independence that made conventional relationships challenging. We chose against early marriage to travel the world, build interesting careers, and stay out all night. I was a loved, yet worrisome anomaly in my family.

“We love your adventurous spirit,” they said, “but you do want to settle down at some point, don’t you?”

When I was younger I wasn’t sure that ‘settling’ was ever in my plans. Yet as the years crept up I started to doubt myself. Ex-boyfriends came out of the woodwork asking me “why” and “what if” and I started to wonder if my road less traveled was going to take me anywhere at all. Should I have, indeed “settled” down? Was I missing out on something else entirely?

My dear ‘Thelma’ friend told me, “The great tragedy of life is that you only have one life to live and that each choice you make eliminates other experiences.”

We had both chosen as many experiences as possible hoping that a family would come eventually. Of course there is no guarantee that the things we said no to will every return. We can only move forward….and perhaps create a new picture of family life (think Salvador Dali vs. Norman Rockwell).

For the free spirited, “settling down” is an ugly, misused phrase. A commitment shouldn’t mean that you stop experiencing life (or at least it shouldn’t!). Nor should there be any dictated time or format to do so. Plus can’t independence be seen as a feminine trait? After all Carla Bruni, the former Italian model didn’t marry French President Nicolas Sarkozy, until she was 40. Previously she had led a fantastic life filled modeling gigs, music projects, humanitarian work and celebrity love affairs. She has shared banter and beds with the likes of Mick Jagger, Eric Clapton, and Donald Trump. With a life like that, why race to the altar?
Of course there is something to be said for tradition. I like chivalry as much as I like making the same pies that my great grandmother did. I just want to mix up traditional choices and timelines a bit. There isn’t just one route to romance.

For our Thanksgiving dinner, my girlfriend and I decided to order bottomless champagne. We toasted Ms. Bruni and our own eclectic live choices underneath the Arizona stars. We were hopeful that we could still have it all, even it wasn’t on the most traditional path.

Louise (from Thelma and Louise): “You get what you settle for.”

Be Demanding! Women Need to Self-Promote and Negotiate Better…

H.L Mencken once wrote. “Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.”

Want to argue this? We have some work to do first.…

Unfortunately for feminists, studies indicate that men are still more likely than women to promote their achievements, negotiate better deals, and generally position themselves better for success. We need to change this…and the best way is to start promoting ourselves.

I recently started a new job and drafted up a bio for myself. The CEO looked it over and edited it to make it ‘snap’ a bit more.

“How’s this?” she asked.

“Looks good… it isn’t too aggressive, right?” I asked.

“Well, did you do all of those things?”

“Well, yes.”

“Then we need to highlight the best parts.” My new boss looked at me. We had met on the ski slopes at an entrepreneurial event last winter not knowing that we would eventually end up in the same office.

She said, “You know when I first met you I had no idea what you did. I remember asking and you only mumbled a few modest things. I didn’t know you had lead teams in Japan or managed million dollar projects for large clients.”

I wasn’t one to boast about my career trajectory, especially to new people that shared my ski lift.

“I didn’t know I needed to promote myself then….”

“But I just thought you were another silly media girl,” she retorted.

If she hadn’t learned about my achievements or seen my work through multiple meetings in her office, I likely would have never been offered a position. Most people don’t get the opportunity for second impressions. I had learned my lesson.

“In Silicon Valley I need you to confidently and calmly talk about your achievements,” she said. “These guys need to know what you have done….right away.”

I was shocked to hear this. I’m confident, strong, and successful. I present to executives. I close deals. I also work hard promoting women’s success. However, I instantly realized that I had a hard time promoting myself in new situations. For years I’d been taught to be polite and “Under promise, over deliver.” That’s just plain bad advice.

“Over promise and then knock it out of the ballpark” should be the new mantra.

A few years ago I went to a Women Leadership Conference at the Haas School of Business at Berkeley. One of the speakers had conducted a study where they asked men and women in a peer group to rate themselves and then rate each other on different levels of merit. The men consistently rated themselves higher than their peers rated them. The women rated themselves lower. I asked a colleague why women were always so quick to downgrade their accomplishments and skill sets.

She told me, “Women are too hesitant to self promote—we think it’s bad manners.”

Unfortunately having good manners doesn’t help us in negotiations.

There was an interesting Harvard Business School article published when I was getting my MBA 7 years ago. It stated that men have been conditioned to believe in entitlement and thus negotiate better conditions for themselves than women, at least in conditions of ambiguity. The article interviewed Riley Bowles, co author of “Psychology of Leadership: Some New Approaches.”

Riley stated, “If you bring men and women into the lab and you say either one of two things: “Work until you think you’ve earned the $10 we just gave you,” or “Work and then tell us how much you think you deserve,” the women work longer hours with fewer errors for comparable pay, and pay themselves less for comparable work.” This effect only goes away if women and men are aware of a set standard.

I’d like to think things have changed since the publication date, but as I look at the small, disproportionate amount of women entrepreneurs getting VC funding and women executives getting equal pay, I wonder if we still need to alter our style. Speaking up and talking up is the only way we will show we are accomplished equals and get what we are after.

As far as bad manners, we don’t need to worry. I’ve already asked around. Males and females alike think being demanding is sexy.

“Job Dating” : A new approach to the career hunt

Upon graduation, Calgary born Maeghan Smulders was offered not one, but 29 different jobs.Overwhelmed with choices, she decided to do something innovative. She decided to “date” her companies. “Rather than just pick one, I decided to see if I could try out all of them first!”

Pick a Career Like a Spouse: First Date Around

Most college graduates take a traditional route and accept the first job offer they receive, often knowing little about the job or corporate culture.  Just like rushing into marriage, rushing into a job can often be disastrous.  Maeghan didn’t want the take the standard approach and blindly choose a career that may not fulfill her. Thus, Maeghan created ProjectONE12, an entrepreneurial experiment to try out short-term internships at different companies all over North America.   Maeghan’s goal? “I wanted to try out 10 jobs in 112 days.  Afterward I hope to learn more about all the options and find a place I am really passionate about!”

Maeghan wasn’t just looking for a career soul mate, she was also inspiring students all over Canada to take the same approach. “Hopefully by watching my effort, more students won’t feel such an urgency to rush their career,” Maeghan said. “One student wrote me and thanked me for encouraging her not to settle.”

From Biology to Jobs, Experience is the Best Teacher

Maeghan was raised by a family that believed in doing things differently.  They felt that experiences provided greater life lessons than desks and textbooks. “We were homeschooled,” she said. “Part of homeschooling was allowing us to learn about whatever we wanted with textbook or sans textbook. For Biology ‘class’ we threw a cow on the kitchen table and dissected it.”

In addition to dissecting cows, Maeghan also traveled to Mexico to build homes for the poor and to work with children.   Mexico taught Maeghan things that a classroom couldn’t including “being more grateful for what I had in my life.”

Many of Maeghan’s “old school” peers never thought she would be accepted into college. “Everyone told me that I was too stupid to go to college because I didn’t go to “real” school,” Maeghan said.  “At first I believed I was different because they said things that I couldn’t relate to. However, I had things that they couldn’t relate to as well.”

Due to her smarts and tenacity and zeal to try the unknown, Maeghan was accepted into college in Calgary, despite the naysayers’ sentiments.  At the university, her passion for experiences and “doing things differently” only increased.  In addition to leading volunteer organizations and studying abroad in China, Maeghan created a program with 4 other students called “Snatch the Pebble” where she taught military wives how to start their own business. With Maeghan’s business tools and support, multiple woman created companies in fashion, wellness, and landscape design. Her success lead an award by HSBC for “Top Woman Leader of Tomorrow” as well “best research paper” at an international conference in Sweden.  “My grades were good, but I still believe I learned the most from my extra curricular activities. These opportunities were more valuable than a 4.0 GPA!”

With all of Maeghan’s success in college, it was no surprise that so many companies wanted her. Maeghan, however, wasn’t one to pick the first thing that came along.  She preferred to learn from multiple experiences, building a solid road for success.

Experience is the Spice of Life: A Job Sampling

Maeghan is about a quarter of the way into her project and has learned something unique from each internship. Although she hadn’t found her soulmate yet, she has gathered a better understanding of different possibilities and what fits best with her drive and personality.

Fotolia: One of Maeghan’s first Project ONE12 jobs was with Fotolia, a crowd sourced stock image company. “At Fotolia I learned a lot about start-up culture and the necessity to be self directed and ensure you are adding value. No one was going to stop and check in with you every minute.”

Adobe MAX: Maeghan also spent some time with Fotolia at the Adobe MAX helping them with a trade show for a new plug-in. “It was crazy to be in Los Angeles! I learned that in many industries, going to parties is business development!”

BBDO: In Toronto, Maeghan interned at advertising agency BBDO.  “There I learned more about the layers of policy and procedures in a large international company. If you don’t know the loopholes, things can take a long time. Reviewing a blog post can take two weeks!  You have to be okay with that.”

Dealmaker Media: Magehan’s most recent internship was at Dealmaker Media in San Francisco, a company that connects influential corporations to disruptive startups. “There I learned about improvement through freeform discussion and ideas. For them it wasn’t how good they were, but how good they wanted to be. It was also so empowering to work for a Women CEO and a team of smart, successful women.”

Trico Foundation: Maeghan’s next few gigs include a project with the Trico Foundation. “With the Trico Foundation I hope to understand more about social entrepreneurship and how not for profit models differ from for profit ones,” she said.

From the large to the small, Maeghan already seen a gambit of jobs in her first month. I asked Maeghan what she had learned so far about the career quest.

“Number one, don’t doubt yourself,” she said. ‘Negative perceptions are a choice you make. Remaining positive is how innovation happens.”

She looked at me, “Secondly, one of my bosses told me it’s not about your net-worth, it’s about your net-work! I wouldn’t have found all of these job had I not met and connected with the right people. If you let people know what you want they will find ways to help you!”

Let’s put off the soul mate thing a little longer. Dating around never seemed so promising.

Lessons on Humanness; Reflecting 1 Year After the Roadtrip

It has been over a year since I traveled across America’s canvas to take down stories of “unconventional’ women. I’ve re-read, I’ve reflected, and now it’s time to share some thoughts from my journey from its impetus to its end.

13 months ago, well before I knew how to work a GPS, I went to a cocktail party with beautiful women in form fitting couture. They expressed their desire for perfection not through accomplishment but through means of larger ‘assets’. “Heidi, they said, “you should get boobs too. Perhaps if we all go in together, the plastic surgeon will give us a discount.”

Instead of going into surgery, I decided to embark upon a different endeavor. I took my beat-up car across the United States to interview women that defined themselves by a variety of means—from the flesh of strippers to the fast of race car drivers, I spoke to over 30 amazing women.

When I returned home everyone asked me what I learned. I first found it difficult to pull together common threads from such a variety of characters. What did a stay-at-home-mom-have in common with a stripper or a soldier? And could a disaster relief worker share the same goals as a track star? After months of reflection I was able to pull together some learnings.

1. Purge Peer Pressure; Know (and be) Thyself.

Perhaps I was lucky, but every woman I encountered didn’t let society tell her how to live her life. Each woman carved her own path and as a result was incredibly happy and confident. The stay-at-home-mom told me she was destined to be one despite friend’s urgings that she should use her brain for a ‘high power’ career. “I’m at my best as a mom!” The strippers were happy with the path they had chosen as well. “Please tell people we had other options” they insisted. “We don’t have to do this—we want to!” The soldier also had other options-as a straight A student she was accepted into every college she applied to. “But West Post was my destiny,” she said. Despite animosity she faced in West Point as a woman, she plowed ahead and later managed a troop in Afghanistan.

2. Admit Humanness

We are all fallible, imperfect beings. This is what makes us beautiful…and relatable. Who has any desire to connect to a plastic Miss America doll? After I posted each interview, I received calls and emails from my audience saying, “Really? I thought it was just me who struggled with that….thank you.” My sporty friends reveled in the story of a professional surfer who confided that her competitive nature made it really hard to date. “I just want to be the girl for once….” she said. Other ‘first generations’ were thankful for the story of the Mexican-American who revealed her anxiety of failure and letting down her family that had worked so hard to bring her here. Another woman told me the struggles of marriage and her determination to combat temptation. Not only did each admittance make the women stronger, they were able to connect to a wide online audience that shared all of the same fears and faults. If we take this same honesty to people we actually know in every day interactions, imagine how much deeper our relationships could be.

3. Gray is the New Black; Embrace Flexible Morality.

Over the course of my trip a stripper recited beautiful love poetry in my ear, a Christian woman confided exotic love affairs, and a preacher’s wife told me how she forgave spousal abuse. It’s easy for us to judge others without allowing ourselves to understand the complexity of human hearts and the reasons behind actions. Our world isn’t monochrome so why should our judgments be? Black and white doesn’t even make good fashion sense. Plus, once we stop judging, we will have more space to listen.

Over the course of my travels I also learned something about the greatness of our country. If you let them, American people are amazingly generous. I was fed, housed, and taken out on the town on numerous occasions…almost all by strangers. They key was that I allowed it. We stay so closed most of the time refusing help and resisting vulnerability. We are only cheating ourselves. If I hadn’t accepted ‘stranger invitations’ and stayed my independent self, I wouldn’t know what a Nascar bar looked like, how Mormons cooked dinner for eight, or the best deli in New Orleans for Muffaletta.

I don’t know that I have another cross country journey in me, but I do aspire to learn and grow from the stories of those I surround myself with.

The only bond worth anything between human beings is their humanness.

-Jesse Owens, American Athlete, 4 time Gold Medalist in Track and Field

Italian Pleasure: Lessons from Rome and Florence

Italy is a place where people go to eat, to love, and to slow down. Pleasure comes in a variety of forms and not taking the time to enjoy it is regarded upon not just as careless, but inhumane. I was only in the country for two weeks but hope to bring back a few lessons to my San Francisco world of fast and cold.

Lessons from Italian Pleasure

Be in the moment. In Italy people are in love with the moment. People fall in love over their first aperitif together without questioning longevity. Nights are meant to linger and one is reprimanded for thinking of consequences in the morning. I was reprimanded on more than on occasion for my American tendency to behave myself. ‘Worrying about tomorrow jeopardizes today,’ I was told. Mistakes are a state of mind….nothing is a mistake if you don’t allow it to become one, it’s just an experience.

Be simple. Less is more. At home sometimes we think we need to have multiple things and detail for something to be worthy. Why would we order the plain pizza margherita when we can order one with meat lovers delight, 4 blend cheese, or veggie supreme? We forget than by adding on multiple ingredients we lose the flavor and integrity of the dish. Perfect pizza rarely has more than two toppings. Perfect hand made boots have no logo or fancy details. And a perfect afternoon consists of nothing more than hours at sunny street café.

Be slow. Slow Food began in Italy with the founding of its forerunner organization, Arcigola, in the 80s to resist the opening of a McDonald’s near the Spanish Steps in Rome. The movement has spread to the United States but few bother to pay attention and eat a fast food meal in the car as they rush to the next engagement. The pleasure of eating comes from focus and delicious dedication to every morsel you put in your mouth. If a dish takes days to produce and hours to make, then shouldn’t we honor it by taking the time to enjoy it? Otherwise what is the point of eating?

Be late. I’ve always struggled with tardiness. Perhaps it is my German ancestry but I take delight in the punctual. I realized that punctuality has allowed me to live my life in planned out increments, stacking meeting upon meeting, living in a state of permanent double booking. I always felt this made me more productive, when in reality it made me anxious-always worrying about where I needed to be next. Once I started being late, I started reducing my commitments. And with reduced commitments I was much more focused and present for the ones I kept. Even if I didn’t get there quite on time, I knew I would stay for its duration.

Be passionate. Many times the passionate are frowned upon. I once turned down my mouth at my Italian ex-boyfriend’s emotional outbursts. I saw it as a sign of weakness. His proclamations were considered “too much.” However, to proclaim how you feel and risk judgment (or rejection) takes enormous strength. Too often we let our passions fester inside of us, fermenting in fear and ruining any chance of greatness. If we risked letting them out, perhaps the world would unite to support them. From love to entrepreneurial endeavors, passion is the core ingredient for success.

“A man who has not been in Italy, is always conscious of an inferiority, from his not having seen what it is expected a man should see -Samuel Johnson

Interview with an Artist-Performance, Painting, and Perception

Why is it accepted for a woman to be stupid as long as she’s beautiful?”
“Why can women be objects of desire in advertising but shunned if they seek contraception for casual love affairs?”
“Why must women choose between a family and a career when men don’t have to?”

These are the questions that Ana Teresa Fernedez paints.

I first met the Mexican born artist at a cocktail reception for those who believed in ‘evolutionary thought’ concepts. However, for Ana Teresa, evolutionary thought grows stale without action. With both her body and her brush she paints different realities that make us question and change. She once took on the menacing black fence that separates the Mexican border in Tijuana from San Diego. Armed with a spray paint gun and a shot of courage, she climbed a ladder in a dress and high heels to paint the border bars a powder blue that imitated the ocean and sky. Not only did she display her strength as a woman, she also conveyed a possibility of erasing borders.
After a few email and poetry exchanges we decided to meet again to discuss redefinition.

Al Principio

As we sat down under the shade trees in an outdoor café, the dark haired artist told me about her childhood in Mexico. “I spent hours creating art ever since I was little,” she said. “Family members would just keep putting things in my hands.” Her inquisitive long fingers would take the paints, charcoals, and Chinese pens to communicate the visions from her soul. Art was her outlet for expression. Ana Teresa didn’t know it would become her career.

“I was only a mediocre student,” she confided. “I actually failed ceramics class in high school. I didn’t follow the instructions-I just did what I wanted!”

Eager to ‘do what she wanted’ and explore a new life, Ana Teresa crossed the US border to enroll in a community college in San Diego. She thought she would get a degree in language and only took a sculpture class ‘for fun.’ The San Francisco Art Institute came to visit the school, saw her sculptures, and immediately asked for a portfolio.

Ana Teresa asked, “Portfolio? What’s that?”

At her teacher’s urging to showcase more of her art, she promptly ran home, took photos of drawings she had created over her life, developed the images in a 60 minute photo shop and gave her offering to the Art Institute reps.

“My ‘portfolio’ was a series of random photographs in a plastic bag,” she laughed.

Ana Teresa didn’t have a glossy cover like the other students, but she was offered a scholarship to the San Francisco Art Institute on the spot.

Now her work has been featured all over the world. “Social media has helped that,” she said. “When you have individual people sharing links and images it democratizes the arts a bit. Someone told me that they saw one of my paintings in a French journal!”

The Art of Gender Politics: ¿Por qué?

Growing up in conservative Mexico made Ana Teresa acutely aware of traditional gender roles. The men were the breadwinners and had advanced degrees, while the women like her mother were not allowed to go to college.

“I started questioning the power dynamics. Why were men more educated with higher positions? Why didn’t more women speak up?”

Ana Teresa felt that many women had a thwarted sense of their selves, never fully exploring the depths of their intellect and sexuality.

Ana Teresa, however, wanted to explore every square inch of herself. “I battled against preconceived notions of what I *should* do!”

At the Art Institute Ana Teresa was encouraged to explore her thoughts through art. “Don’t be cliché….think of something new,” one of her teachers encouraged her.

“So I put on a black cocktail dress and started sweeping while my roommate took photographs.” This was the beginning of Ana Teresa’s demonstrations on gender politics. Since then Ana Teresa created images of herself dancing with bed sheets, provocatively straddling ironing boards, and writhing across floorboards. She forces people to confront sexuality and power ‘head on’ hoping they further explore and question roles and borders. “I want people to ask ‘why’,” she said.

I asked if gender dynamics feel differently now that she is in the United States. She shook her head telling me that we were still playing in a man’s world. “You know, I prefer to dress like a tomboy so people will take my work seriously. When I wear a dress at exhibitions, the dynamic with men changes. There will always be the inappropriate man with the inappropriate comment. Things become skewed if I am seen as a woman.”
Hopefully with time that too will evolve.

Pasión y Dedicación

Ana Teresa’s ideas do not come to her overnight. “My ideas keep simmering. Just like cooking the best recipes take time! Five more minutes…or five more years!”

Even five more minutes can seem like an eternity for the impatient. In San Francisco, we live in a land of startups and get rich quick phenomena. “People want to do things too quickly.” Ana Teresa said.“For me it takes more time to digest and create and ask ‘why.”

For artists as well as many individuals it takes time to work through ideas, seek funding, gain relationships, and most importantly combat the naysayers. Sometimes doubt becomes overwhelming.

“Each negative is a coin of doubt into a self destructive piggy bank.“ She told me that she had to stop filling her bank with fleeting thoughts and look for long term lasting goals to work toward.

“It’s much easier to think about a project that is a year into the future so it doesn’t overwhelm us and we have the time to work toward it. One idea I had nine years ago isn’t coming to life until now!” she said.

Ana’s next project is at the Mexican consulate. At first she wasn’t sure what to create. She sat in the lobby expanse and watched the crowd funnel through a tall metal detector, being stripped, and interrogated. “It looked like a birth canal,” she told me. Ana Teresa saw the metal detector as a rite of passage and wanted to add a bit of warmth to the experience. She decided to decorate the metal detector in long lavish black feathers, reminiscent of a mink coat. “I wanted to cover them as opposed to strip them! The feathers add a bit of quirk and sensuality to something that is normally very cold.”

Ana Teresa will give thousands of people new experiences, making them touch, think, and question. Through her art she helps us all evolve.

“Feminism asks that women be free to define themselves — instead of having their identity defined for them, time and again, by their culture and their men.”
-Susan Faludi (American feminist and Writer, b.1959)

Diving In and Letting Go

Years ago I spent at lot of time in Toronto working for a large retail client. During the project’s bone chilling winter, the project sponsor Anne and I became close.   We spent many afternoons braving snowy sidewalks to explore café menus and deep conversations. Our retail planning chit-chat quickly evolved to theories on friendship and love. Perhaps it was from years of watching the seasons dramatically change, but Anne believed that human relationships had an inevitably short lifespan, just like autumn leaves on a maple tree.

“People come in and out of our lives for a reason. The best thing you can do,” she said, “is know when to let them go with grace.”

In a society that pushes commitment, Anne was a bit of a novelty. The whimsical blue-eyed Canadian saw relationships as sacred, yet temporary. She felt that there were so many beautiful humans out there, assuming that only one would take you through life’s twists and turns was not only limiting, it was impossible.

We spoke of friendships and romances as pieces of fruit. Once they are fully ripe there is nothing sweeter than its flesh. But after too long the ripeness ferments, and the once fragrant flesh putrefies and rots. “Much better to let things end on a sweet note,” she had said. “Sometimes you are only supposed to know someone for the length of a conversation. It’s ludicrous to think every connection should last.”

Before I had met Anne, I thought differently. I thought everyone that I was friends with in my early 20s would still be my friends in the nursing home.   I also thought each romantic date should lead to marriage. There was a man I was so in love with I wrote an ode to his inner ear. When he felt it was time to move on two years later I wrapped my naked body around his legs to keep him from walking out the door. Splitting up was unfathomable to my young heart. Only later did I realize that my clinginess just prompted him to walk away that much faster. I didn’t understand that some love has an expiration date.

After my conversations with Anne I embarked upon a different manta and deeply connected to many human hearts within a short time frame.   I was petrified of coming across as ‘needy’ and learned to love without expectation or attachment. I wore threads from an Indian Sufi around my left wrist to remind me to let people go gracefully and live an unattached, experimental life. My career as a consultant who traveled frequently only furthered the cause. It’s easy to let people go when you must physically catch a plane.

However, after traveling the world and exploiting the concept of “seasonal” relationships, I started to yearn for consistency. I had all these experiences and deep connections yet nothing lasting. I often wondered if I didn’t dream them all up; there was no one else to confirm their existence. Wanting to both have and eat my cake, I started to think up hybrid models to Anne’s theory. Perhaps our relationship house should be constructed out of lasting pillars, yet allowed periods of seasonal redecorating.

The pillars for a lifetime:

There are some people in our lives that are meant walk along with us to the bitter end. You know, the ones that know us so well they have the lines on our palms memorized. Knowing that my girlfriends will come visit me in the nursing home makes growing old much less lonely. While my passionate love affairs have given me an education in poetry style (from Alanis Morissette to ee cummings), I am starting to want to write about just one person….and learn from consistency as opposed to change. My parents, who just celebrated their 35^th wedding anniversary, claim that the threads they have woven together are far stronger than any ‘forgetting’ string I wrap around my wrist. However in order to build strong pillars we sometimes have to loosen our grip. If you let someone go and they come back, only then do you know they were truly yours.

The decorations to let go:

There is still a place for fruit. If you are open to meeting strangers, you will find powerful human connection can be had almost daily. Sometimes you will learn another side of politics in a boat in Halong Bay, Vietnam. Other times you may learn about new careers while waiting for the 1 Bus heading downtown. And there is that one dance club outing where you end up deliciously dancing with an unknown. It is impossible to have all these relationships develop into something sustainable. But if you understand their temporary nature, it’s that much easier to dive in with reckless abandon. We are more honest and vulnerable with strangers. These quick connections have the ability to inspire and change us. It was after all, a random man I met in Mexico that told me to go on my road trip. If the idea came a reliable source like my mother, I never would have gone. I never saw the man again but he has a line in the first chapter of my book.

After writing down my thoughts on relationships in my local Tully’s café, I ended up talking with a young woman about her life as an ESL teacher. She is completing certification class work to go and teach in Thailand. Over tea we talked about travel, love, and the need to live an unplanned life. Although I was mesmerized by her experiences and our conversation, I didn’t feel the need to pass her my business card or set up a future coffee date. Our relationship had spanned its course. She smiled at me as I gracefully walked out the door. I was running off to bake a birthday cake for a friend I’d know for 14 years.

Desert Detox Lessons

“I need to redo my life, “I said.

“You are always redoing your life,” said a friend

But I wasn’t really redoing…I was just adding on. I had accumulated too many projects, too many hobbies, too many identities. Without focus I was becoming meaningless. In the words of Robert Hanson, President of Levi’s North America, I needed to ‘edit and amplify.’

In order to kickstart the process I decided to go on a 4 day detox cleanse in Desert Hot Springs. While many people opted for plethora of tempting distractions on ‘la playa’ at Burning Man, I decided to go for a less overwhelming desert retreat at We Care Spa.

I arrived in warm air with hopes of simplicity, clarity, and smorgasbord of fresh juices fed to me by a well-built cabana boy.

When I got there I was in for a surprise. There wasn’t a cabana boy in sight and I was instructed to feed myself a diet that resembled a plan for emaciation: 1 veggie juice and 1 veggie soup a day! In addition to downing fiber pills, I was also encouraged to embark upon colonics, which is a fancy term for having water pushed up through your butthole to flush out your lower intestine of accumulated debris.

“Edit and Amplify” was turning into “Purge and Redo.”

However daunting the diet, it did start to refocus my life. After all it’s pretty hard to manage my multiple projects while loopy on a desert fast. My retreat was turning into a vision quest-a hunt to find true purpose…and leave the rest for the vultures.

Amid massages, juice connections, colon cleanses and one unfortunate experience running into a door (I am blaming my fasting state, not my coordination), I also had time for yoga sessions at the Spa. One yoga teacher, Patricia, become my muse for the art of redoing.

As I went through a slow vinyassa in her class, I was overwhelmed with a sense of compassion from her instruction. I have taken yoga all over the world and never seen someone so intimately involved with each class member. Patricia took the time to learn everyone’s name and devoted herself to modifications and challenges unique to each person’s condition. Love ebbed out of her fingertips as she encouraged our muscles to go to new levels. When I found out she was, like me, originally from Montana, I knew I had to speak to her.

I shyly approached her and asked her how she was able to teach yoga with such devotional caring.

“Well—it came to me,” she said. “Before I taught yoga, I didn’t know my path in life. I just kept flailing around and was really unhappy. I had all the odd jobs; I worked as a receptionist, for tech companies, even as an urban nomadic farmer.”

“What’s an urban nomadic farmer?” I asked.

Patricia laughed and a jingle escaped her lips. “I drove around Austin taking care of people’s plants in offices. Pretty cool, right?”

“And yoga?” I asked curious how an urban nomadic farmer had just helped me achieve a perfect full wheel position.

“At the time I wasn’t even a yoga regular! But one day I went to an amazing class that so was powerful I cried while in Shavasana (resting post). I knew this was my calling. I knew that I wanted to make people feel like this.”

Patricia had found her path.

She continued, “I followed my teacher to the desert to learn more and devote myself to teaching. I also went to yoga teacher training in Grass Valley (Sivananda).”

I told Patricia my own concerns with path hopping, and she looked me in my eyes and said, “I feel you are already onto it. Someone once told me this: ‘You ask the questions that you already have the answers to.’ So you see, your path is already in you.”

She encouraged me to be open and loving and listen to my heart. I assume she meant really OPEN, not ‘faux pen’.

“The mind blocks the soul, “she said. Don’t let the mind work and just do what makes the soul sing. When your soul sings, you have found your path.”

We hugged and she whispered encouraging words in my ear. I left the room feeling surer of myself than I had in a long time.

As I poured myself a glass of cool lemon water, another woman approached me. She smiled softly and asked if she could share a prayer with me. I wasn’t much of a prayer person, but I decided to be open.

Her blue eyes shone as she recited a prayer she had learned while on a retreat with Deepak Chopra.

Who am I

What makes me happy

What is my purpose in life?

Can I feel or hear my heart beat?

She told me that if I recited this daily as I guided myself into meditation I would find my path. It could be the desert detox delirium, but I believed her.

From “Faux pen” to Open

“What is the best thing you have done with your life?” people ask.

Without skipping a beat I cite a road trip I took across the US to interview women who defied convention.  In dim diners, tequila bars, and strip clubs I documented raw conversations that captured the depth of the human spirit and the vastness of our land.

It has been a year since I embarked upon this so called “best thing” and months since I wrote about it. The book encapsulating my journey has gathered cobwebs while other pursuits have distracted me. There are a lot of shiny objects out there in the world.  Writing a book is anything but shiny.  It requires dedication, art, and an ability to overcome your fears to be open and vulnerable.  Although I felt my conversation tales were compelling, my writing teacher told me that I hadn’t quite ‘gone there’ with my own emotions.

I decided to discuss the principal of “open” with a friend of mine who bases his life around the principal of transparency.  Last Sunday evening I braved the haunting fog to walk over to his house, my thoughts bubbling outside of my skull.

“You are not really open on your blog,” he told me.  You are too diplomatic, too careful.  Yes you reveal some things but….I wouldn’t call it ‘open.’   You are umm….’faux-pen.’”

Faux pen?

To a writer trying to be honest, fauxpen sounds far too similar to faux pas.

“But,” I stammered, “I write all types of things about myself, my mistakes, my hurts, my visions…I even titled one post Naked!”

My voice trailed off as he raised an eyebrow and then stared me down with crystal eyes that reflected my soul.  I saw myself, reserved, afraid…and well, “faux pen.”

Was I too careful, fearful of revealing too much in case it offended others or put my own reputation at risk? In my writing class my teacher had asked a simple question that I couldn’t fully answer.  “Why did you take the roadtrip?”

My first answer was faux pen.

“I wanted to show strong women across the US.”

“That’s not enough,” she said. “What prompted you to seek out these women?  What need did you have in yourself?  What did you want to change?”

This conversation prompted a mad writing saga of the people I wished to escape, the hidden hurts I never revealed and my own secret suffocation in society.  I haven’t yet been able to share this documentation…or continue it.

I didn’t tell this to my friend, but I didn’t need to.   His eyes could read my insides.

“If you ‘go there’ he said…you’ll be stronger. Think of yourself in the gym doing bench press sets.  You are exhausted after 24.  You don’t think you can lift your arms up one more time…but something in you decides to go for it, and you ask your friend to spot you, assisting your sweating muscles push the metal bar up in the air.  You grunt, your push, and there….you’ve done it. Afterward you have gained much more strength. That’s what being open can do.  It’s most compelling tool we have.”

As I headed back home I thought more about the concept of openness. What would happen if we freely shared ideas and emotions with others, unafraid? Being open across other areas has only enhanced society.

Being open in technology has promoted innovation. With open source code we enable improved communication paths, production models and interactive, collaborative communities.

Being open in science, such as the Human Genome Project, has allowed us to advance research on disease and cures.

With open (web based) education we can deliver learnings to people in remote locales, uplifting societies that didn’t have prior access.

It makes sense that being open with our thoughts would only have the same benefits. By moving from “Faux” to “O” we can become stronger in our own identity and better able to connect to the world around us with our shared, beautiful, and fallible humanity. We will make better decisions and impart learnings to others about the reasons why.   Stereotypes and judgments will be broken down as we realize…we are all the same! And hopefully, as in that last benchpress, we can spot one another to get there.

And with that I am re-writing my first chapter to tell a bit more of my own truth….hoping that others out there may relate.

Redefining Life’s Blueprint: A Counter to Penelope Trunk

I live in an amazing ecosystem of women who defy convention, reinvent the rules, and passionately take risks to better the world around them.

This isn’t everyone’s habitat and the team at Women 2.0 brought it to my attention. The Women 2.0 leadership team was sent the latest blog posting by Penelope Trunk titled,“A Blueprint for a Woman’s Life.”  It wasn’t any blueprint I wanted, nor a doctrine I wanted the women I care about to pay attention to.  Perhaps she wrote it to incite controversy and its natural follower, dear ol’ fame. Perhaps she really believes in her words.  Perhaps she had a bad day. Regardless, I found her ‘blueprint’ not only useless but also misleading advice for women who want to achieve success.  As women, the worst thing we can do is strive to get ahead by being like men or bending to societal pressures.  Our value comes in our femininity and doing things differently. And there isn’t one blueprint for life.  There are millions. That’s the best part of being a woman in modern society.  We can each create our own master plan. Penelope lists 12 points in her blog post. Point by point I will provide a counter to show that there are other alternatives:

1.     Do less homework. Penelope states that we should never be the hardest worker in class because men get ahead by playing sports and video games, not scholastics.  Men also have fewer college degrees and are starting to earn less money than women.  Why would we follow that? Education has always been the best way to end discrimination and level the playing field.  Of course we should kick ass on the soccer field, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive for academic excellence at the same time.

2.     Get plastic surgery. The article claims it’s our only way to get ahead in careers and dating.  If we bend to this than we are just supporting the notion that we should be valued for our outside, not our inside.   Now, I cannot say that I’m going to turn down beauty enhancements as I get older, but I feel the same way about cosmetic enhancements as I feel about lacey lingerie.  First and foremost do it for yourself, not for anyone else.  True beauty and confidence comes within…the rest is just icing on our beautiful cake.

3.     Go to business school right out of the gate. Penelope claims women should start a MBA right after they’ve finished college without any relevant work experience.  Having a MBA myself, I know that I would have added little value to my classmates, let alone gotten as much out of the program had I not been in the workforce prior.  If you really want to use the MBA program as a way to obtain your Mrs. Title (as Penelope suggests) then skip the $100K in student loans and just go to MBA parties and get wildly drunk with those studying investment banking. Much cheaper.

4.     Start early to look for a husband seriously. Penelope says that our 20′s is the best husband hunting time.  However, our 20’s is also the time for self development. Personally, I think our focus should be on ourselves and our dreams while we are young and full of energy.  If true love happens, it will because we are at our best.  As I wrote in Happily Ever After, that timeframe is different for everyone.  Plus from my own observation the men that love us, love us because we have our own life outside of them.  I never believed in the Jerry Maguire, “You complete me” romance. We should complete ourselves so we can fully give to a partnership, not depend on it to define us.

5.     Milk maternity leave for all it’s worth. Penelope pretty much tells us to pick a career that gives a year off and is required to take us back. Shouldn’t we instead pick a career where we excel so we will be coveted for our skill set in a variety of places when we’re ready to start working again? (a timeframe, which again, is different for everyone. Some women need years with their children, others go crazy after spending a mere month home). My good girlfriend quit her job to have two babies. As she re-enters the workplace, her phone won’t stop ringing as multiple companies want her brainpower and powerful resume.

6.     Guard your marriage obsessively. I was ready to agree with her until she wrote, “This means that the wife needs to just bite the bullet and maintain the marriage.” Isn’t marriage is a joint union where both parties make sacrifices?  As opposed to “guard obsessively” shouldn’t we say “work together with dedication.” We don’t live in the 60′s anymore. It’s not all on the woman to make things work.

7.     Practice austerity. Penelope tells us to be frugal. But….how do you be frugal while undergoing all of those cosmetic surgery enhancements she recommends?  Life is a worthwhile experience and some of my craziest expenditures (that whirlwind trip to Bali, that dinner at French Laundry, those pairs of 5 inch Manolos) were worth every penny.  Much more than injections in my forehead. Austerity is a tricky beast to pin down and a very boring attribute for life maximizers.  Life is short. Spend money.

8.     Do a startup with a guy. Maybe.  But as a member of women 2.0 I can point to many successful teams of women leaders.  She claims that a woman co-founder won’t work as hard as a man because she’ll be on the baby track. She forgets that not all women are on the baby track.  And women have proven time and time again to be excellent multi-taskers, with and without babies. My friend Maria Sipka, founder of Linqia is a prime example. She runs a company while passionately caring for her baby daughter.

9.     If you can’t get men to do a startup with you, do a lifestyle business. Lifestyle businesses are great.  I have one now.  But I didn’t start it because I couldn’t find a man to work with.  In fact, my next few ventures (non lifestyle) will be with all women teams.  No one is on a pure ‘baby track’ and all are able to achieve amazing things while maintaining a balanced life.

10.   Homeschool. Your kids will be screwed if you don’t. There are numerous types of education and children benefit from all forms.  Each family needs to make the best decision for itself.  Personally I would want my children to encounter as many other types of children from various backgrounds at school so that their lives are as rich as possible. I have never believed in isolation.

11.   Spend money on household help and Botox to keep more doors open longer.  Again, Penelope claims that plastic surgery is a must do unless we want to fade into irrelevance. I would say continue to do amazing things and the doors will stay open on their own.  Frozen facial features don’t get you promotions.  Hard work does.

12.   Break the mold in your 40s. She claims that women become unhappy as they get older and there is no good news about women in their 40s. However, I know plenty of happy and unhappy people at every age.  The great thing about getting older (30, 40, and beyond) is that it comes with accomplishment and confidence if you keep doing what you believe in and loving the people you are with. So dear Penelope I say break the mold every day, every year until you are 99.

F*** the Birthday Pressure, I’m Taking My Time

On August 8, 2011 the stock market sunk another 6%, making people’s 401K plans scream. Riots in London erupted, depleting stores of PDAs. Also disastrous, I turned another year older.

As I said the digits aloud, San Francisco’s ‘summer’ felt especially grey. Frowning at the fog, I worried that I had not accomplished near enough for this age, was too far from the perfect balance I craved, and would suffocate under pressures that society puts on early 30something women.

The phone calls and emails that trickled in with “What are we doing for your birthday?” only continued to add stress to the day. I was on celebration strike, not feeling that I had any cause for bubbles. I spent my birthday week hibernating until my sister in law gave me a reprimand. “Why are you so focused on what you haven’t done? Why don’t you instead focus on all the things you have achieved? Why don’t you think about how you can use this to move forward?” She also hinted that I could focus on the people I had in my life, like, oh, my family.

Sigh. I really wanted to stay grouchy but as I started to list down things and people in my life, a hesitant smile started. As quick as the fog turns to sun, my glass went from near empty to overflowing.

I didn’t think about my unfinished book, but rather the work I’ve done on it. I decided to view my career ‘sidesteps’ as a dance with fantastic opportunities, not as job schizophrenia with ever changing business cards. I forgot about the list of things I ‘must accomplish’ and instead remembered the mountains I’ve (literally) already climbed. Ahhh dear Kilimanjaro…

In addition, I realized that it’s worthless to worry that I’m not married, and far better to celebrate that fact that I’ve been in love. A few times. Of course, not all of these love experiences were healthy…but they make good writing material for that unfinished book of mine.

By focusing on what I had, and not what I didn’t have, my life became brighter. Perhaps my crazy chest of experiences wasn’t too shabby for a young 30something. Perhaps it was the perfect foundation for my next leap forward. Perhaps I just am taking my time……

But rather than gag on my own autobiography or bore my readers with my next master plan, I thought I would list a few historical woman that didn’t make their major mark on society until their after 30th birthday. The thread that ties them together is simple: Keep trying, do what you believe in, and the best is after 30!

Try the daunting

Sally Ride was the first woman in space at age 32. She joined NASA by applying to a newspaper advertisement that sought candidates for the space program. She was selected out of 8,000 applicants. Sally Ride choose science and space not only because it intrigued her, but also because it afforded her a better career than tennis (she was a champion at that as well). Plus, the best things in life are often combustible. She once said,

“When you’re getting ready to launch into space, you’re sitting on a big explosion waiting to happen.”

Keep at what you love

Amelia Earhart became a nurses aid for the Red Cross after seeing wounded patients during World War I. After visiting airfields she fell in love with the art of flying. She worked a series of odd jobs to pay for flying school and then later worked as a teacher and social worker to support her airplane hobby, an odd one for a woman. She finally was chosen to make a transatlantic flight with a team of pilots at age 30. She was 34 when she made her solo transatlantic flight that made her a legend. On becoming one, she said,

“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure , the process is its own reward.”

Stand up (or sit down) for what you believe in

Rosa Parks, known for propelling the Civil Rights movement, was the ripe old age of 42 when she refused to give up her seat on the bus and was arrested. Her jobs had varied from housekeeper, seamstress, and hospital aid but she was very active in the NAACP, confident that another way was possible. Of her experience she said,

“People always say that I didn’t give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn’t true. I was not tired physically, or no more tired than I usually was at the end of a working day. I was not old, although some people have an image of me as being old then. I was forty-two. No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in.”

Write what you live

Simone de Beauvoir, the famed French author didn’t start her writing career until she was 35. It was by living out of convention that propelled her to document another way of living, including her long term polyamorous relationship with Jean-Paul Sartre. Sartre once asked her to marry him, but she declined and set up a joint household….with numerous guests. The ultra feminist once said,

“On the day when it will be possible for woman to love not in her weakness but in strength, not to escape herself but to find herself, not to abase herself but to assert herself — on that day love will become for her, as for man, a source of life . . .”

Perhaps loving oneself is also loving the path we are on, not comparing ourselves to the roads others take. And if we truly embrace the journey, we’ll likely arrive at a far better destination. Plus as Pablo Picasso said, “It takes a long time to grow young.”

A Love Poem

“Write about love,” she asked.
Three weeks before her wedding, one of my closest friends asked me to create a poem to follow the exchange of vows.

The world stopped at her request. My limbs stretched and my arms grasped for adjectives to describe this mysterious force. However, no matter how hard I scraped the air, my hands came back empty. My current life was filled with turbo jets, career ladders, and see and be seen parties. Love was too intimated to enter. In desperation, I went back through my collection of memorabilia from a different time.

I dusted off an old tin and combed through par avion envelope sealed love letters, their contents full of passions past. I scoured my shelves for books of poetry, hoping my penciled thoughts in the margins of an e.e. cummings book may provide insights into an emotion I no longer understood.

However, I had a feeling that my past romances weren’t the correct material for a wedding ceremony. I needed something that was solid, lasting, and current-just like my friendship with Colindra. I boarded the plane, hoping that I would be enlightened in the Pacific Northwest, a place I used to claim as my own.

Upon arrival at the Seatac airport, Colindra’s mom, Mrs. Evans, came to get me along with multiple other relatives. “It is SO good to see you,” she said in an accent still marked by the south.

We had a party at baggage claim while we waited for everyone to arrive.   Mrs. Evans was not the type of woman to leave others to fend for themselves. Each wedding visitor was guaranteed a pickup and three hour ride to Whidbey Island, the magical wedding destination. This human dedication was a warm surprise in my life of taxis, town cars, and general disinterest for how you got from point A to B.

As I hugged the expanse of relatives now crowding baggage claim # 16, I felt a little trickle of love.

After a rowdy ride in the Evan’s large van, we reached the Whidbey Island farmhouse at 1 am where Colindra was waiting for us, preparing decorations.   She thanked me for making it to her wedding…”I know how busy you are,” she said.

I gulped. “But of course I would be here,” I answered, realizing that my series of “I’m overloaded” Facebook and Twitter updates may have indicated otherwise. Social media has documented my demise from a bohemian writer to an overcommitted workaholic.

I longed to turn back the clock to a different version of myself, a version that Colindra knew.   Our lives have interlaced through each other’s for 16 years. She’s seen me at my truest….and my most false. As my body pressed in to hers for a hearty hug, I felt another surge of love. “Teach me,” I thought.

The next day more guests arrived from Ireland and Louisiana. Accents filled the air and the Southern Baptists made friends with the Irish Catholics and whooped it up over crazy talk and dance. Religion gets a bad reputation; I’ve never had this much fun with atheists.

I finally met the groom John, the Irishman that had wooed one of my dearest friends while I was far away. Her phone voice had given away her twitterpated sensation long ago and I was eager to see the reciprocity in his. However, John didn’t need to open his mouth. His bright blue eyes sparkled with joy as he looked at Colindra with pure adoration.

To watch them was to love.

My parents finally arrived on the scene in matching dance outfits. My mother had often spoken to me about love. “It a series of threads,” she said. “Each day is another part of your tapestry.”   She and my father had woven a large one, enough to cover our family in warm security for a lifetime.

I started to wonder if I had my life all wrong. I didn’t have a tapestry myself-just patches of different materials that refused to be quilted.   Could I find a thread to sew them together?

With my mind on story weaving, I joined the other bridesmaids at the nail salon for paint and champagne rounds to prepare for our celebration. My aesthetician had moved to Whidbey island from a metropolis life a few years ago to raise her children. “Here people don’t judge you by what you do, “ she said. “They judge you by who you are.”

Her comment haunted the corners of my mind for I knew that city convention was contrary to the love I was starting to reclaim on the island. It was a land where tender caresses outdid college pedigrees and a witty joke was more valuable that your job title.

I returned to the farmhouse to change into my rehearsal dinner dress and paused to stare at myself naked in the mirror. My body had grown slightly rounder than the expired modeling contracts would allow, but perhaps there were other ways I could be valued.

With painted nails, a belly full of bubbly, and a newfound sense of purpose, I got out my Macbook and started to type my poem for the ceremony. Perhaps writing about love wasn’t that hard after all. All it takes is looking at the life around you.

My dear college friend Christine read over my lines and gave me a thumbs up.

She knew that happiness and love isn’t having what you want-it’s wanting that which you already have.

A Lesson From a Blind Woman

Sometimes we need to slow down and refocus our line of vision on what really matters.

It was 8 am on Sunday morning. My head hurt from last night’s whisky and my internal rollercoaster of competing thoughts. Career. Relationship. Life. What did it all mean? And why am I always hungover? Ugh. I dialed up the happy beats on my ipod and stepped out into the soft morning fog to walk down Fillmore Street to my yoga studio, hoping a powerful series of postures would calm my racing mind.

Over the beats of Jack Johnson, I faintly heard a voice pleading behind me to stop. My life is usually planned out in three-minute increments and I never have time to stop for anyone. However on this day I decided to make a change. After all, it was still early; I could afford to be distracted. I took out my earbuds and turned to see an old woman with long flowing white hair calling out to me. One gnarled hand carried a plastic bag filled with food, the other tightly gripped a seeing eye cane.

“Excuse me….I’m blind…can you help me?”

I walked over to her, wondering how many other people had passed on by. “Good morning! How may I help you?’ I said as cheerily as possible.

“I want to walk up to Sacramento Street but feel I am turned around. Can you please tell me if I am in the right direction?”

She was indeed, in the wrong direction. Perhaps I could afford more than a 2 second distraction.

A mild earthy odor filled my nostrils as I took the women’s left arm and gently spun her around.

“Why don’t I walk you there? Where exactly do you need to go?”

“The bagel shop just past Sacramento.”

I looped my arm through hers and walked her slowly up the street, guiding her over cracks and intersections as we chatted. She asked me why I was up so early and I told her that I was en route to yoga so as to limber my limbs.

“You probably need it more for your mind,” she said calmly. I wondered if her blind eyes could detect the chaos in my skull.

“I used to do yoga,” she said wistfully. “I spent 12 years in India! I studying spirituality and religion, and, well….love.”

I wondered how a western bohemian India dweller ended up blind, asking strangers for help on the streets of San Francisco.

“I spent some time in India” I replied. “I was in Kerala in an Ashram. “Sivananda.” As I offered the name of my Ashram, I remembered my life before I was booked two weeks out. I remembered long days of meditation, yoga, selfless service…..and ample amounts of time to listen to those around me. When I was there, my own wants ceased to exist. Today my wants seem to get an unbalanced proportion of attention.

“Ahhh yes….Sivananda. Very solid practice. I was also in the south. I studied with Sai Baba.” Sai Baba was known for performing miracles on people. He also created a free hospital to serve the poor.

“The people in India are beautiful, aren’t they?” she looked up at me with vacant clear blue eyes.

“Yes,” I smiled. ‘They know how to love, as I remember.”

“They are generous and believe in a collective love. The people of the United States could learn something from them! We get so caught up in ourselves here. Not many people stop for others.” She smiled and squeezed my hand.

As we approached the bagel shop she thanked me. “I am just going in to use the bathroom. It’s the only place that allows people like me in.”

“Do you need me to help you with anything else? I’m happy to wait for you.”

“No I am just going to walk around all day. Enjoy yoga. Thank you.”

As I left it dawned on me that she was homeless. Homeless, blind, yet able to see more than most of us.

I walked slowly back to my yoga studio to take the next available class. I was grateful that instead of speeding down my planned morning trajectory, I made time for a detour and listened to someone else. The old woman was right on love-we type A Americans could make some adjustments.

When the yoga teacher asked us to dedicate our practice to someone I had no problem finding my muse.

As I breathed in I let go of the adrenaline rush of corporate ladders, company valuations, whirlwind meetings, and dot.com ambition. As by body twisted through vinyasas I forgot about the chase for Italian made shoes, German branded cars, and see and be seen French Tuesday parties.

As the class turned to meditation my body was open, my mind cleared, and I was ready to refocus…..and find time…..

Why I Love San Francisco…Food, Sea, and Dreams

I moved to San Francisco seven years ago on July 4^th after a decadent fling with her on a visit only two months prior. Before I met San Francisco, I had intended to relocate to Latin America. I spoke its language, nightlife, and romance. As an adventurous 20something, the United States bored me.

However, my weekend visit proved that adventure, decadence and amazing fish tacos could in fact, exist domestically.

Within three days I was smitten with the eager intellectuals, the gingerbread homes, and the expanse of sea that alluded to poignant unpredictability. I didn’t give Latin America another thought and was determined to become a California girl. I left Seattle, packed up my Honda civic with all it could fit, and drove down the interstate in search of a new, sunnier life.

Those that have lived in the city will laugh at my reference to sunshine. I still curse the ceaseless fog that rolls in nightly. After seven years here, I am aware of San Francisco’s other faults beyond the chilly summers. Taxis are impossible to find, the hills have ruined my car’s clutch, and the income required to support the rent in the hills has forced me to view my career choices with more practicality than I’d like. However, as any solid love affair, I love San Francisco for ALL her traits. After a seven year courtship I’d like to reflect upon five characteristics that make me continually in awe of the city I dwell in.

1. The Dreamers

Since its inception, San Francisco has been a land of dreamers. It was settled during the gold rush where people from around the world came in droves wide eyed with gold fever. Not much has changed except instead of panning for gold the dreamers are panning for checks from venture capitalists in Silicon Valley. Or 99 point ratings from their lot in Wine Spectator. Or a book deal. From the writers that rent out space in the Writer’s Grotto, to the tech geeks working out code in SOMA shared working lofts, everyone is hoping to turn their dreams into their own precious metal. By living here I am encouraged follow the rush of my passion, hoping it too will lead to riches.

2. The Ocean

I was born in Montana and always thought of myself as a mountain girl. That was before I drove down the breathtaking beauty of Highway 1 and watched the wild turquoise water throw itself against the cliffs in a passionate dance. Beyond the white foam lay a vast expanse of westward reaching sea; an alluring gateway to far off lands. I learned to surf so that I too could be enveloped by the powerful force. Salty wind and unpredictable waves have taught me more lessons than the solitude of the mountains. I’m an ocean girl now…but luckily, Lake Tahoe isn’t that far away for a quick mountain fix should I need it.

3. The Neighborhoods.

Nowhere else have I found such love and hatred of each other’s five block radius. Claiming where you live is like tattooing your personality across your forehead. Although all neighborhoods are deliciously diverse, I am most intrigued with the rivalry between the Mission and the Marina. The Mission has a reputation as a hipster unshaven zone with surprisingly good restaurants and gourmet street food. The painted murals on the walls blend in seamlessly with the intricate tattoos on the bartender’s forearms. The buttoned down shirts in the Marina are afraid of its dirty streets, occasional violence (one of my friends has a honorary scar) and consider getting dinner there a brave “field trip”. Despite some of its grittier side, Mission dwellers won’t leave it, claiming there is no ‘real’ anywhere else, especially in the white washed Marina. Marina-ites hate being judged and wonder why people snub their noses at clean streets, boutique shops and preference for striped shirts and wine bars over hoodies and well drinks. My favorite wine bar is indeed in the Marina….I always know a poor drunken soul there (some have secretly come down from the Mission) and am treated with generous pours of Napa’s finest. The perfect beverage before heading over to the Mission to hunt down the tamale lady.

4. The Food

San Francisco is obsessed with eating. Farmer’s market outings are a first date activity and everyone knows when heirloom tomato season is. It is no wonder that the company Foodspotting (a way to upload photos of your food) took off here. Every San Franciscan I know takes so long to capture perfect photos of their entrees that their food gets cold before they have taken a bite. From locally produced to eclectic fusion, food is to be revered and enjoyed slowly. (and then written up in detailed notes on Yelp). Slow Food, a movement against fast food and fast living, has a huge presence in the city’s restaurant scene. Some of the concepts gave way to One Taste where they practice slow sex. But in this town, food IS sex.

5. The Outside

San Francisco is such a beautiful city that it encourages you to be actively outdoors at all times. You don’t have to be a tri-athlete to partake; the city plans all types of events that even the lazy can enjoy. From enjoying the scantily clad at the Hunky Jesus contest in Dolores Park, to listening to amazing indie beats through a pot cloud at music festivals in Golden Gate Park, to biking through the Presidio on your way to the Marin headlands, to dressing up in full costume up for the Bay to Breakers race, you will find a new found wonder for being outdoors. The good news is that the prolific fog keeps us from getting overly sunburned.

Happy Anniversary San Francisco! Although I may visit Latin America for vacation, I am pleased to call you my home.

“San Francisco itself is art, above all literary art. Every block is a short story, every hill a novel. Every home a poem, every dweller within immortal. That is the whole truth.”
William Saroyan Author

The Paradox of Choice: Making decisions in careers, dating, and pizza

Last winter I authored a few posts mentioning the paradox of choice. Once when it came to retail assortment decisions and another when it came to making holiday plans.

The conclusion was the same—with too many choices we become paralyzed. We are so focused on making the “BEST” choice that we are afraid to commit to any decision worried that we may pass up on something “better.” From dating to ordering what vegetables I want on my pizza, choice has always been hard for me. I’ve recently defaulted on both dating and pizza (large quantities of carbs and men just aren’t healthy), but other choices in my life continue to perplex me, giving me premature crow’s feet.

My perplexed state wasn’t because I didn’t know what to do with myself….it was because I wanted to do it all! With opportunities for new clients, new ventures, new articles, and new stellar positions, I had a very hard time focusing on one path. I was the type of girl that wanted to run down all roads…..at 100 miles per hour.

While struggling to keep up my directionless warp speed, an inspirational message came my way. It wasn’t through reading Buddhist mediation books (and I have plenty) or taking another trip to find myself (although returning to Bali WAS appealing), but through my Twitter feed.

Starla Sireno, my friend and founder of the Fearless Women’s Entrepreneur Network tweeted “So easy 2 forget that business doesn’t start w/ the biz plan-it starts w/ knowing who u are.”

Thanks Starla. So….Back to basics. Maybe we don’t need to sprint down every opportunity with robust business plans high on adrenaline. Maybe if we stop to reflect, we’ll discover that there is one unique plan for each of us.

Who am I?

As a self proclaimed chameleon this question was VERY hard to answer.  I seemed to blend in anywhere from cocktail parties to campfire ho downs.  I could alter from eating cornmeal thick crust with a starving musician to Italian thin crust with a successful financier.  Adaption makes choosing more challenging because the “best” has so many possibilities. However, even as my outer skin changed to fit the elements around me, I had core that stayed solid. Perhaps there was only one “best” for it.

I put my choices on hold and instead took the time to ask myself when do I feel the most ‘Me’?  My mind reeled back to my time last fall. I wasn’t in a fancy soiree being wined and dined by handsome intellectuals.  Nor was I pouring over excel spreadsheets in corporate hotel eating pizza.  Rather I was practically living out of my car driving across the United States to interview women.  Even if I felt compelled to temporarily try them on, cubicles, picket fences, and conformed titles had always constrained me.  I’m far happier exploring unique people, far off places, and crazy ideas.   I’ve written about them almost every day of my life since that bloody poem I drafted when I was nine years old.  With Starla’s quote, I  realized that a happy ‘me’ type business lies meeting people, telling their stories, and inspiring others to take risks.  Just like I do.

So why do I keep doing ‘non me’ things?  How do I create a “me” plan? And will a “me” plan help me weed out my choice stockpile? Can we all really make businesses off of ourselves?

I called up the amazing life and career coach Susannah Scully for some advice.  She put me to work and asked me to map out five and ten year goals by explaining everything I wanted in my life including the appliances in my kitchen.  I wasn’t sure how a bright red Francis Francis espresso machine fit into this…but then it hit me.  My career had to afford my high end coffee consumption….and time to write while drinking it.

Every choice we make has to support our long term goals. From what we want to be known for to who we want to share our high end espresso with.

Perhaps after I make progress on my next “me” venture, I’ll think about tacking pizza ordering. But first, it’s time to create a business plan.

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

-Joanne Kathleen Rowling

Being Real, a Tribute to Slam

I had the pleasure of watching the live finals for Youth Speaks, a slam poetry event for teens in the Bay area. Watching 15 year olds pour out their hearts in rhythmatic beats infuses your core with passion for life and a renewed sense to also, yes be that true. It’s a week later but I still cannot get their verse out of my mind.

The kids slammed about abuse, race, sex, body image, childhood crushes, and most importantly how they were finally becoming comfortable in their own skin.

Their raw honesty shone like a brilliant orb in a confusing world of masks and fear and fake appreciation. They didn’t apologize for who they were, but rather stood up and promoted their insecurities, neuroses and hurts to the entire audience at the Davies Symphony Hall.

Us adults could learn something from them. As we climb life’s ladders we often feel that we have to cover up parts of who we are, pretending to always be strong, beautiful and achieving. What if we decided to be raw like the poetry kids and for once were honest with the world? Perhaps it is time for us to slam too.

If Life Were a Poetry Slam
In a slam people are applauded for speaking the truth with passion and displaying and innate “humanness” (delivered in rhyming cadence of course). We cry and clap because somehow we can relate to their story.

If we applauded others around us, and delivered honest words ourselves what would change? For example…..

Would the corporate guy confess
that cubicles and clocks and conference calls
aren’t his bag and he’d happily trade
all perks for the chance to work
on an organic farm up in the hills and raise rabbits?

Would the American dater / the multi-tasking mater
cast the rulebook aside and admit “Hey, I really like you”
instead of waiting until day 3 to call and date 3 to fall
into a heap of wanton nakedness?
And would the naked girl stop saying “hey I’m really not this way” because it’s maybe okay
to be that way…. If you are honest and healthy and in the moment.

Regrets can be
A product of society
mandating what to do and who to be (not free)…..and being burdened with a need to be liked accordingly. Be polite. Be patient. Be pretty.

And would the pretty beauty queen stop being mean
And aloof and let down her guard to say she hates that no one respects her mind
and uses her time
as an disposable accessory, not as person with an opinion?
And would the tech geek admit that he just wants a beauty queen
on his side to prove he’s cool, not just a coding fool,
and maybe with her he’ll ft in and show them!
That he’s made it? And maybe he’ll make it her with her too….and he’d listen to her opinions.

And would I stop apologizing that I’m still not married, still not sober, still not over treks to eccentricity searching for a different reality
Yes I know I am supposed to have a house with babies but there’s mountains to climb and words to rhyme
And pickets fences scare me. Give me a surfboard instead.

And instead of silence and lies and masqueraded disguise
Could we instead be real
And tell others what we feel
What we fear and what we love
And hope they don’t judge
But instead applaud us.

For anyone that is interested in hearing the power of the spoken word, the International Brave New Voices event is coming to San Francisco July 20-23.

Following the Right Brain Business Plan

For many, creating a business plan evokes scary images of excel and mind numbing data analysis. Some ‘creative types’ assume that a solid left brain coupled with a MBA is required for business success. However, this isn’t the case at all. In fact, according to Jennifer Lee, author of “The Right-Brain Business Plan: A Creative, Visual Map for Success “ the right, not the left brain is the most valuable business asset. Whew!

I took my right brain downtown to meet the author. Over a healthy lunch, Jenn insisted that creativity is very important, especially for entrepreneurs. After all, creativity was what inspired Jenn to leave her corporate job and become one!

Honoring the Right Brain

Long before writing the “Right Brain Business Plan,” Jennifer lived in a world of left brains. After pursuing a masters in Communications Management at USC, Jenn landed a traditional business role working for a large consulting firm. However, she felt stifled in the environment. “It was an old boy’s network,” she said. “I thought to myself, I’m not a boy and I’m not old!” Many in these environments are encouraged to put creativity on the back burner.

Looking for change, Jenn participated in a series of life coaching sessions that helped her identify her goals and encouraged her to reconnect with her creativity. “I started painting again!” she said. ” I also grew and got to know myself better. I realized that my (creative) way of being was good!” It was coaching that eventually encouraged her to start her own coaching business, Artizen Coaching.

I asked Jenn why she wanted to become a coach and she told me that it came out of her own transformative experience. “I wanted to make a powerful difference in other people’s lives.”

How the Right Brain Business Plan Started

While building Artizen Coaching, Jenn proactively focused on her career development. Following her intuition, she made her first “right brain business plan” on her kitchen table. She started by decorating an accordion book with a vision board on one side. “Then I decided to put in more of the left-brain details like a financial plan and marketing goals on index cards.” The project was more than a collage—it turned into Jenn’s plan for her business success.

After receiving positive feedback with her approach, Jenn started encouraging her coaching clients to create their own ‘Right-Brain Business Plan’. After watching them succeed Jenn created a hand-written and illustrated e-Book and spoke at various events and led seminars. Many people tell her, “Right brain? You are speaking my language.”
Jenn couldn’t feel better about her work, “It’s so rewarding to see people own who they are.”

5 Tips for Taking your Life Forward-Both Parts of the Brain!

Although we didn’t have time for Jenn to give me a complete coaching session, she did provide me with 5 key tips for anyone wishing to take their life to the next level.

Look in life to see where you are the most fulfilled. Too many people are unhappy because they aren’t living in alignment with their core values or making choices that honor who they are.
To see where you are fulfilled, experiment. Try taking a class after work – maybe cooking, a new language, or anything that sparks your interest and lets you meet new people.
Surround yourself with people that are supportive and trying to be what you want to be
Pay attention to the stories that you tell yourself. If you say “That’s too hard” or “That’s too much money” ask if it’s really true and if there is a way around it
When you are ready for a change, do it as an easy transition. Start it as a hobby.

Doing That Which You Don’t Want

Altruistic duty can bring better rewards than cocktail parties…..in the long run.

“Blogger’s Block” hit as I thought for something newly inspirational to write about. I had already written about female accomplishments, happiness, risk, entrepreneurial success, even how to network like a hottie. The only thing missing was a post on sex. But rather than write about sex, or perhaps entrepreneurial sex, I decided to write about something opposite—doing that which we don’t really want to do.

Most things I had written promoted the ego and pursuit of happiness. However chasing happiness often doesn’t lead us anywhere. Doing things that are counter to pleasure, things that we don’t really want to do, sometimes does.

Let me explain.

Last week a family member was in the hospital. Although I planned on doing the rounds, bringing the bouquets, acting as meals on (Honda Civic) wheels, I must admit that I felt flustered with the non-fun. How I would manage the visits with my series of party events? I felt that duty encroached upon my happiness. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Bringing in meals, laughing at nurses, and trying to promote cheer with my family was infinitely more rewarding (and fun) than the parties I had lined up. I found I enjoyed doing something for someone else much more than doing something for myself.

Perhaps it isn’t “She who has the most fun wins” but rather “She who gives the most doesn’t need to win.”

According to the Wall Street Journal article, ‘Is Happiness Overrated?’ quick fix happiness such as a party or nice dinner is considered “hedonic well-being” and fleeting in the grand scheme of life. Less pleasurable day-to-day activities like volunteering or raising children may be the key. The article states, “…These pursuits give a sense of fulfillment, of being the best one can be, particularly in the long run.” The article quotes Carol Ryff, a director of the Institute on Aging at the University of Wisconsin, Madison. “Sometimes things that really matter most are not conducive to short-term happiness,” says.

Just like flossing. No one wants to floss….yet it’s paramount for long term gum health.

Anyone that has worked with troubled youth knows how you lament giving up your evenings of nice respectable dinners to get insulted, lied to, and trampled by preteen drama. I would always drag my feet going to the slotted session. However, something rewarding lasts long after it is over….a sense of community connection and well being. Somehow, you have made a difference. Or at least tried. Not only does that give you a longer buzz than a sip from a Champagne flute, it also doesn’t come with a hangover.

There isn’t anything wrong with trying to be happy. We just need more balance and less focus on ourselves. After all, according to Richard Ryan, professor of psychology, psychiatry and education at the University of Rochester, ‘people who primarily seek extrinsic rewards, such as money or status, often aren’t as happy.’

When we focus outside of our “hedonic well being” and on helping someone else (altruistic well being) we get much longer term rewards. Perhaps we just need to bring that nice dinner to a hospital!

“What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.”

Risk Taking

The fourth chapter of my book starts something like this:

“Where are you from?”

Anytime I travel I always seem to get this same perplexing question.

Well, nowhere. Everywhere. I don’t know how to explain my movement over the years. “My parents were carnies,” I lie. “We traversed the earth. I also spent a lot of time in a box being sawed in half.”

There are many plausible rationales for my unconventional risk taking over the years. Perhaps it was being raised by bohemian scientist parents.  Perhaps it was the legacy of past Isern women that climbed Mt Kilimanjaro. Or perhaps it was the fault of my grandfather’s telescope. I was age six when I first peered through the tiny lens into Montana’s expansive sky. I saw Saturn’s rim and fell instantly in love with the inconceivable.

I made a pact with young self to spend each day of my life seeking exotic adventure, finding the untold story, and lassoing dreams.  All of them.

Most people don’t do this.  To quote T.S. Eliot, most people plan out their life in coffee spoons.  Most people also think I am crazy. They raised eyebrows at my breakup to stable “Picket Fence Peter”, my career choice to “leave the firm and do my own thing,” and my recent desire to create a business off of the written word and not for profit partnerships. Some have actually yelled at me and told me that I am ‘too passionate’ and that I am doomed to fail.  “You need to pick ONE focus-you cannot be about so many things” chided one.  “Who the hell do you think you are, anyway” said another.  Apparently my belief in stories and causes actually makes people angry.  And my tendency to chase multiple dreams infuriates them. Is it wrong to think I can do it all?

I don’t understand other’s wrath at my wide eyed approach to life.  If people weren’t passionate or didn’t try random things than we wouldn’t have penicillin, the telephone, Twitter or even David Sedaris. If people didn’t experiment and preserve through failures then we’d either die from bacteria or die from yawning. When I was in a particular dark moment of self doubt, a start-up friend consoled me. “You may fail,” he said. ”I may fail. But at least we tried to do something we were passionate about.” He then added, “And here in San Francisco failure is sort of a badge of honor.” In fact, if no one thinks we are crazy, then perhaps we aren’t trying hard enough.

Interestingly, the same people that think I am crazy also send around quotes about ‘Live each day as if it were your last’ and applaud movies like “One Week” where a man diagnosed with terminal cancer uproots his life and takes a motorcycle trip across Canada.  Why do we have to be confronted with death in order to do what we should have been doing with our life all along?  And why do others only applaud adventure and risk taking when someone is dying? If we aren’t dying, is adventure considered irresponsible?

I know that some readers will say that risk taking is impossible once one has family responsibilities, mortgage payments and other things they had spent their lives trying to attain. But what good is attainment if we view it as shackles, preventing us from doing that which we really desire? I would assume that buying a house and having a child to be one of the greatest adventures of all. It certainly is risky to a carefree single! Perhaps the true lesson is to not judge other’s choices and support people’s spirit regardless if it takes them through the mundane or the ridiculous. Instead of critique, energy is much better spent living out your own passions, however many of them you may have!

“You see things; and you say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were; and I say, ‘Why not?’” -George Bernard Shaw

Happily Ever After??

Just forty years ago a woman was considered an old maid of she was single in her 30’s. Now she’s considered savvy and independent…by choice.

Tuesday night my friend Julie and I traveled to Stanford University to see a screening for the film, “Seeking Happily Ever After,” a documentary on single 30-something women in the United States. The project was put together by Michelle Cove in attempts to paint a new picture of America’s women: independent, educated, single, and *gasp* happy.

Michelle started the film project after being overwhelmed with news headlines and TV programs focusing on the rise of single women over 30. However, she claimed that the media’s portrayal was often off base. “It either showed desperate women like in “The Bachelor” or angry career obsessed women with the ‘I don’t need a man’ attitude.” Michelle wanted to show a different reality. “So I got a $200 camera and combed streets of Boston to ask 30 something women what their single lives were like.”

Michelle was inspired by the honesty of the responses. “Women WANTED to tell their story. All they had heard before was ‘Why can’t you find someone?’ and ‘What’s wrong with you? Are you too picky?’ No one bothered to ask questions about the bigger picture.” And through Michelle’s questioning, a film was born.

“Seeking Happily Ever After” features women who had pushed out the fairytale marriage in order to focus on other fairytales such as education, career, and whirlwind travel. Now with their success under their belt, these women are considering long-term commitment and family life. Although no one claims to ‘need’ a man, they still would like to have one.

The film’s main heroine is Jacqueline, an east coast woman who has built a career in corporate philanthropy and is now embarking upon a mad frenzy of nonstop dating. Watching Jacquie move from speed dating disasters to professional match making fiascos was an honest, comical, and sometimes painful glimpse of the lives many of us lead, but refuse to admit. Michelle also interviewed women who had broken off engagements, froze their eggs, and done other non-traditional activities in order to maximize their independence. However, even the most independent of the women interviewed still very much believed in love and hoped to find a partner. Today’s Cinderella story has nothing to do with urgent timetables and fear of turning into a pumpkin, but rather finding the right fit.

I found the film to be a breath of fresh air to the article “Marry Him-the case for settling for Mr. Good Enough” that spread through 30 something’s inboxes last year. The author, Lori Gottlieb, urged women to stop turning down men because they were too short, too fat, or, god forbid “not curious enough.” We were going to all end up alone, she claimed. After the article many of my girlfriends worried that perhaps they had judged Mr. Halitosis or Mr. Unathletic too harshly and would now spend the rest of their lives alone in a studio apartment with 12 cats. I even found myself second guessing my breakup with a good, nice, but rather uncurious and non passionate man. According the “Marry Him” article, passion wasn’t that important for a long-term commitment. Tell that to my hormones. Luckily Michelle sided with my passionate side.

Michelle commented, “Her article is good food for thought for women that have a laundry list of unattainable qualities. But for others…really? You are going to settle for a bad sex life? Really?”

Um, no. As one woman in Michelle’s film stated, “I don’t want to waste my sexiness!”

Another woman in the film mentioned, “If all we want is to get married we can do that—we can walk out of our door and do that…but it’s about finding the right partner. It’s a choice—not something that is happening to you.”

After the film Michelle was applauded and then barraged with questions from the audience, many which challenged the word “choice”.

The hard truth of the educated career women is that our pool of choices may not be that large. Once we are successful and ready for a man-will a man still want us?

One girl, a 21 year old Stanford exchange student from Korea, was conflicted with the film’s implications. She said, “I am at Stanford. I’m a scientist. I will probably get an additional two degrees. By the time I make it back to my country I’ll be undesirable. No man will want me.”

Another woman from Nigeria voiced the same concern. “I am planning a PhD and would like to meet a man of the same level. However, everyone tells me that is being too picky.”

Although we are inspired by our achievements and happy in our prolonged singlehood, are we unknowingly lessening our dating pool? Do men prefer younger, less accomplished models? I once did an experiment in a bar where I gave different identities of myself to men. Below are my identities and the responses evoked:

“I’m a fashion consultant and blogger”-intrigue and flirtatious actions

“I’m a strategy consultant in the apparel industry and writer”-intrigue and acknowledgement

“I’m a strategy consultant starting up a new media company”-deer in headlights expression and mild fear

“I’m a flight attendant”-lovesick embraces and near marriage proposals

The men were especially smitten when a friend and I recited the entire United airlines takeoff spiel. They also asked if I missed serving peanuts.

However, I cannot change my identity as a double degreed woman with my own consultancy. Nor can the women that are pursuing world-changing careers pretend to be anything less. All we can do is be ourselves and hope the right man comes along that is both inspired by us and inspirational to us. Good things are always worth waiting for. As Jacquie’s mom said, “I want you to get married when you are the best version of yourself—not when other people want you to get married.”

Upon hearing my tales, a male 30 something friend told me that my friends and I were going to the wrong bars. All of his (handsome, educated, ‘curious’) friends were complaining about the lack of accomplished beautiful women! Part of me wanted to throw my rolodex at him. But I decided to let everyone meet on their own terms. Until we meet Mr. Right we will keep getting to that better version of ourselves. Time may be on our side after all.

Interview with a Beauty Queen-Marilyn Jaeger

Success for many women isn’t a set formula, but rather an artistic creation that evolves from passion. Marilyn Jaeger’s passion for beauty transformed not only her own life, but also the lives of others around her. Marilyn is a renowned community supporter, spa owner and esthetician that had been written up by Bazaar, Lucky, Allure, and San Francisco magazines, all claiming her Brazilians to be the best. Besides being quick and nimble, Marilyn mutes the pain with joy, offering delicious elixirs before the ‘sticky’ process.

Marilyn’s spa is intoxicating and voluptuous, just like the female body. Exotic paintings decorate the waiting room and curved, pomegranate colored walls mark the entrance to the treatment rooms. Marilyn wanted the walls provide an energy flow and ‘swoop’ you in as you entered. I was swooped up into a decadent paradise feeling instantly sensual. Marilyn led me to the back where we passed hand-painted doors and Alice in Wonderland styled bathrooms before settling down into a lush room with persimmons. “I wanted the room to feel succulent,” Marilyn said.

Nestled in the juicy walls Marilyn I talked about her life.  She told me that she grew up in the rough and tumble part of Huntington Beach, ‘far from the elite side.’  Marilyn was candid about her childhood.  “It was rough. I was adopted as a baby and then raised by a single alcoholic mother.”  Marilyn’s mother would often disappear for four to five days at a time leaving eight year old Marilyn alone to fend for herself and her brother. “I was the parent and my mother was the child,” Marilyn said.

In the rare times when Marilyn’s mother was home, the household was violent and abusive. “My teenage years were survival years,” Marilyn said.  “When you are in that mode you just learn to take one day at a time.”  To support herself, Marilyn started working at a very early age, her first “real” job at age 12 where she was a dishwasher for Straw Hat Pizza.

In between various odd jobs and school classes, Marilyn daydreamt.  “I believed in more beautiful things for myself.” Marilyn knew that beauty existed; she just needed to find it.

“I was 15 when I took a job as a cake decorator and then started my own catering company with a friend where we catered weddings. I finally got to see beautiful people together that loved each other!  And I witnessed beautiful weddings.”  Finally Marilyn was able to catch a glimpse of a different life.

After high school Marilyn lived in LA striving for success. She worked as Mickey Rourke’s assistant, opened multiple cafes and created her own cake shop called Crimson Cakes. At Crimson she designed intricate cakes for Hollywood’s elite. Through her connections she was able to effortlessly glide from fancy parties to crazy raves. “I was a chameleon….I didn’t always have the money to start endeavors but I was able to meet the right people that believed enough in me and my integrity to put up the money.”

It was by meeting people where Marilyn was inspired to turn to the spa industry.  One of Marilyn’s cafes was located next to a celebrity salon where all the Victoria’s Secret models would go for their waxing.  They would sit in her café to have a cappuccino and talk about their beauty treatments.  Marilyn was overwhelmed with the women’s love of their spa.  “They felt the spa was a refuge from stress, a place to go and be loved and be beautiful,” said Marilyn.  Marilyn decided that she wanted to offer that same energy to people and later enrolled in esthetician school. “The art of tweezers is like the art of a pastry bag.” Marilyn smiled.  “With baking there is the chemistry of the eggs and the flour being mixed.  I wanted to apply a different chemistry to the molecular structure of the skin, and have people feel beautiful.”

After one year of graduating from beauty school Marilyn had her own busy spa that was promptly written up by Harper’s as the “Best Brow and Brazilian in the Bay area.” Marilyn now has two spas, 23 employees, 15,000 clients and her own product line.  “I am passionate about pampering people!” she said. However, Marilyn’s success didn’t magically appear.

“I worked 18 hours a day and never said no to a client.” Marilyn shook her head and looked at me earnestly. “Be sure you tell other entrepreneurs how hard it is.  In the beginning I had to miss friends’ weddings and birthdays to help my clients.  I really needed to cater to them.  New entrepreneurs need to keep their eye on the prize and never stop believing!”

One thing Marilyn fundamentally believes is love.  Her generosity to humankind may stem out of her difficult childhood.  She told me, “People go one of two directions if they were abused.  They can either turn into an abuser or an over the top healer to try to put as much love in the world as possible.”  Marilyn smiled warmly, demonstrating the path she had chosen.  Marilyn gives to the world, and in return, it blesses her.  “My work is very healing,” she said. “I work hard but I also get 50 hugs a day! I make my clients feel good and they make me feel great!” Marilyn also works with local charities to give disadvantaged youth inspiration for their lives. “I got the message that the world is hard at age two.  But if you can find unconditional love, it makes it ok.”

Clients confide in her, friends rely on her, and her partner David is devoted to her.  Marilyn didn’t meet David until her early 40’s but described him as man worth waiting for. “Our first encounter was like metal to magnet!” she said.  She told me that she has a solid relationship with unparallel depth that gets better and better each day.

“I am so grateful for love!  When you grow up feeling you do not deserve it, and then you turn the corner and believe in it, and then finally someone gives it to you it is an amazing feeling!”

I asked Marilyn what was next for her.  “More locations and more products,” she said.  “I’d also like to open a school.  And of course, write a book!”

If you cannot wait until her book comes out please come hear Marilyn speak at the Fearless Entrepreneur Event, “How She Did It” this Thursday at 6:30 pm at the Soma Hub in San Francisco.

For those wanting to be pampered, schedule a treatment at her spa.  I assure that you will be amply taken care of!

What Makes Us Happy?

Someone from a far off land wrote me and asked me what made me happy. This seems like an easy enough question to answer, but I quickly realized that many things one may think are states of happiness are really something else entirely. Ego, flattery, even one too many vodka tonics confuse our minds. Is feeling powerful happiness? Is being liked happiness? Or is happiness a state all in itself that requires no external stimulation? I certainly do not have the answer but tried to uncover different variables that either alluded to the desirable state…or conversely, took us further away from it.

Flattery

We all like to be liked. It makes us feel good and helps validate our existence. For women, this often comes in the form of appreciation for our external physique. Yes, yes of course we like to be appreciated our brains but I challenge any woman that doesn’t admit that she needs to feel gorgeous from time to time. If we didn’t there wouldn’t be a multi billion dollar beauty industry. When at a party dressed to the nines, we blush when men tell us we are beautiful and smile as other women gush at our couture mini dress that we starved ourselves for a week to fit into. However, many compliments seem too superficial to give us lasting happiness. Are they needed to help us define our place in the world? And is receiving praise worth forgoing the happiness that that 2 am donut could have provided us? Or does flattery really get us nowhere?

Adrenaline

They say another dot com bubble is starting in Silicon Valley. I was just at an Ad tech networking event where the air was ripe with deal transactions, money slinging, and inflated egos. Everyone thinks their idea could be the next facebook. Entrepreneurs and VCs are riding one large adrenaline wave, no different than the surfer that sees a 10-footer headed his direction. It’s either sink or….paddle as hard as you can to catch it! Is this energy and excitement happiness? Or does it distract us and make us cancel on simplicity in order to feed our ravenous egos? They say that the happiest people live in developing nations farming potatoes NOT in a rich nations making FarmVille apps. And even if the rush of the ride is exhilarating, what happens when it crashes? Can we separate happiness from our ego and monetary success?

Environment

My friend and I recently drove back from Lake Tahoe through Napa and couldn’t stop gawking at the beauty that surrounded us. Indie rock beats blared from the speakers the golden sun lit up downy hills. We felt as if we were in paradise. If someone had asked me if I was happy I would have incredulously said yes. However, had the weather and music been altered I would have answered differently. If the sun turned to heavy rainfall and the music changed to honky tonk country western music I would have claimed sheer misery. (no offence to country music fans). Environment can make us happy, but it is at its whim, not our own.

Connection

When I asked many of my friends what made them happy most cited human connection. Connection can mean a variety of things. Sometimes it is relating to someone else over a warm cup of coffee. Other times it is helping someone else solve a problem. And more often than not it is sharing a fine meal fueled with hearty wine and non-stop laughter. What is it about other people that make us feel good? Sometimes they help us explain our meager existence on this planet. Other times they give us validation that our idiosyncrasies are ok and our humor isn’t (that) bad. And lastly they give us a reason to love-which is happiness manifested in its highest form. However I would argue that we cannot be solely reliant on other people for pleasurable emotions. Any self help book will tell you must be happy with yourself before you can give in a relationship. This implies that connection may augment our happiness, but we still need to create its foundation first ourselves. Sigh.

Creation

There is an amazing sense of satisfaction with a job well done. There is a sense of joy when it’s your own creation. I remember my father proudly scanning his 3 acre yard that he had landscaped into flowered terraces with his bare hands. I also remember my mother lovingly baking cakes out of recipes she invented in her farmhouse kitchen. The mathematician and the musician both feel the same elation when their formula finally rings true. When we create we give value to the world and find a purpose to our existence. I do not know why this makes us happy….as a happy go lucky writer just finishing another blog post, I can only acknowledge that it does.

Of course I still do not have a finite answer for happiness! With the exception of falling in love (which is its own magical elixir), there were two times in my life I felt the universe united to bring me joy.

My Happiness Recollections

One was on my roadtrip across the United States. I interviewed a different woman daily about her life path and then wrote her story in the best prose I could muster in a 1 hour pit stop at a roadside café. I was madly in love with the written word and how I could craft something meaningful out of someone else’s mouth. It was the ultimate blend of connection and creation and environment.

The second time I was in an Ashram in India. I woke at 5 am to chant for two hours. I ate bean mush, wore a ragged t-shirt, and slept on a mat. To most people it sounded like a prison camp yet I was giddily content. For the first time in my life I felt no judgment, no stress, and no ticking time bomb of what I had to have done by when. I had time to think and time to not think and time to notice the earth around me and write poems in its praise. I had time to converse with other ashram attendants from all over the world about random philosophies like….”what is happiness.” And most importantly I felt free to enjoy the present moment.

And now I challenge you to the same question. What makes you happy? And why?

“It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.”-Dale Carnegie

NOT Business As Usual: Applying TEDx lessons to my life

Last Saturday San Francisco beamed under a bright golden orb and everyone sprang outdoors in a jubilant dance. I, however, opted to forgo the outer ray of light in search of an inner one. I spent my afternoon inside a dark auditorium of the TEDxPresidio conference, finding inspiration in other’s stories, fueling me to forget chart a new path for the rest of my life. The theme for this conference was Business 3.0: Not business as usual. The speakers talked about a different type of organization that worked with the community as opposed to competing against it. Each speaker was doing something profoundly different to better other people’s lives. It contrasted greatly with my own past few months-I had been neglecting my friends, family, and all humankind while in a Survivor version of a startup incubator.

The Survivor Startup

In my “startup survivor” participants were regular ‘voted off the island’ if they or their company weren’t up to snuff. Instead of supporting the weak, the incubator prided itself on a Darwinist ‘survival of the fittest’ method, beating people down to either make them stronger or weed them out. We had started at 40 founders. We were now at 20. Instead of enjoying my weekends or volunteering with youth, I spent them in a frenzy trying to complete an assignment to prevent a ‘vote off’. My blood was overflowing with competition and anything or anyone that didn’t take me further ahead was considered a waste of time. I was so panicked about missing a deadline that I canceled on my cousin’s birthday hike. I was so worried about the VC need to see hockey stick revenue projections that I debated taking out a social venture component that gave part of any foreseeable hockey stick back to charity. I needed to stop. And think. And find a new way of achieving my goals.

The Collaborator Startup

“In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed”-Charles Darwin

During my TEDx Saturday afternoon I realized that Darwin was misunderstood and misquoted. As I heard at Tedx-it isn’t a dog eat dog world. Dogs don’t really eat dogs. Rather we live in a world where nature best moves ahead by symbiotic relationships.

The speakers at TEDx gave many examples of working together to get ahead. The founders of “Back to the Roots” found wealth in waste. Nikhil and Alex were both seniors at UC Berkeley when they decided to give up lucrative job offers in investment banking and consulting to find a way to grow mushrooms from discarded coffee grounds. They fostered a relationship with Pete’s coffee to remove their waste for them…and in return Pete’s started carrying their mushroom kits. Their mushroom growing also created waste (the waste from the waste). However, instead of merely discarding it, they interacted with their community and found it could be used for soil enrichment for gardeners and small farmers. After giving it away for free to their local community, the two social entrepreneurs finally started making soil enrichment bags that they distributed to a larger audience. Nikhil and Alex found a way to continually engage and help their community and in return their community helps them back. They are not doing anything we cannot find in nature.

In their speech they used the example of the rhino and the oxpecker bird. The bird eats the ticks off of the rhino’s back and in gratitude for its easy meal, the bird warns the poor sighted rhino of far away danger.

Using Poetry to Engage

“If I had my life to live over again, I would have made a rule to read some poetry and listen to some music at least once a week.”-Charles Darwin

James Kass founded “Youth Speaks” a poetry jam project where disadvantaged youth are encouraged to speak out, applying their voice as a leader of societal change. Youth Speaks mandates that literacy is a need, not a want, and that youth can take power of their life through language. After all, self-expression is true empowerment.

Instead of seeking out more troubled pursuits such as gangs or drugs, James encourages youth to join a project to creatively jam about their own narrative. On stage, in competitions, and even on curb intersections, their words reach large audiences and give them inner pride in their poetry and vision. James calls this: “Hip hop activism!” James’ entire presentation at TEDx was in a poem….a jam….something that made the entire audience want to leap up, clap their hands to the beat and engage in society. Word can indeed bring us to action.

Rising Up means Rising With

“A man’s friendships are one of the best measures of his worth”-Charles Darwin

Chip Conley, founder of the Joie de Vivre hotels also embraces a vision for collaboration. For example, his hotel managers are not just rewarded on sales and profits, but also how much they give back to the community in terms of events and fundraisers. They are not just hotel employees-they are an inspirational friend to their community.

In addition to managing an eclectic collection of hotels, Chip wrote the book, PEAK, documenting how great companies and individuals channel Maslow. In Chip’s book, the base of the famous pyramid is Survival (i.e. I have a job that supports me). The second was Succeed (i.e. I have a career that defines me and gives me esteem). The third was Transform or self actualization (i.e. I have a calling that gives benefit to the world around me). To reach self actualization is to be inspired by passion more than money. This means feeling like your life has a purpose because others benefit from your existence.

Chip tries to do this with his staff and regularly make them feel like they are part of a bigger dream. Chip encourages us all to step out of the Succeed bracket and move up. The people we affect, the people we help, and the people that call us their friend is much more valuable than a career title.

If we stay in Survivor mode, we may indeed win the island….but such a lonely island it shall be without anyone else left to enjoy it with.

From East Oakland To Entrepreneur to Ph.D

“You must meet CJ!” was the mandate from the Fearless Women Entrepreneur Network. Carolyn Johnson (CJ) had just started teaching business classes with the organization and was a self-made entrepreneur that had a reputation for inspiring others. I never turn down the opportunity to chat with amazing women and hastily made plans to ring her.

Upon answering the phone, CJ’s voice rang merrily into my ear like a jinglebell during the holidays. “It’s a pleasure to speak with you!” Not even my own mother was that enthusiastic to talk to me.

CJ eagerly described herself as a girl from East Oakland that likes to camp. “No one can beat a s’more! I also like to bowl…but I am terrible” she laughed.

CJ isn’t just a campfire and bowling connoisseur. She also has a MBA from Columbia, her own business consultancy, a beautiful 13 year old daughter, and is about to embark upon a Ph.D program in Education Leadership. “My daughter has molded my life,” she said. Not only does she strive to put her first, but CJ also strives to set a positive example and drive change for a better world.

Genetic Motivation

Being a positive role model is engrained in the DNA of the Johnson family. CJ told me that she was born into a strong family and raised happily in east Oakland. As someone who rarely crosses the bridge, the phrase “Happily in East Oakland” seemed like an oxymoron. CJ laughed at me, “Oh I didn’t realize I lived in a poor neighborhood until I saw a list of Urban Ghetto’s in a college class.. and Oakland was on the list.”

CJ’s childhood was anything but what one would expect in the “ghetto”. She came from a big family that taught love and joy. Her mother was a nurse and missionary and her father a minister and social worker. They would often have people in need over for dinner and occasionally invited them to stay for a while in their attic. “Our motto was to just open the door and help.”

Although CJ’s parents never received a university education they never let on. “My parents would sit and the table and pretend to read intellectual books, because they wanted to set a good example.” CJ’s parents told her that college was her destiny. “I didn’t even know it was optional until I was in 10^th grade-I just thought that was what everyone did after high school.”

I asked CJ what, besides her parents encouraged her to get a bachelors, a masters, and now a PhD.

“School wasn’t always easy, but it was easier than the other choices in East Oakland.” CJ told me that she looked at the African American statistics and saw how many ended up in minimum wage jobs or even worse, jail. “I thought a college degree was a better option for me.” In CJ’s High School class of 250, she was one of eight who was accepted into college.

Following Passion

After a joint degree in psychology and business, CJ pursued her MBA at Columbia. She then worked as a health care senior executive and co- founded an investment banking boutique. Not many girls from east Oakland end up in the fast paced world of finance! However, she knew her career as a banker was limited. “It was interesting but I wasn’t passionate about it. The hours didn’t allow me to spend enough time with my daughter. Plus I needed to go back to my roots of helping others.” CJ had a strong desire to give back and create her own business.

“In my family, being an employee was considered being lazy,” CJ told me. She said a lot of her entrepreneurial spirit came from her Grandmother who came to the U.S. from the Caribbean at age nine. “Oh she was a hustler,” CJ said warmly. “She owned a hotel, a restaurant, and a bar in the small town of Tracy, California.” Channeling her grandmother’s ‘can-do’ attitude, CJ set up a business consultancy to help small businesses create actionable business plans, secure loans, and reach and exceed the break-even level. With her company CJ had found the perfect blend of a flexible schedule, entrepreneurship and altruism.

“You have to love what you do—your job shouldn’t be drudgery! Plus, I’m a glass half full type of person,” CJ said, “I just cannot be unhappy!”

Education is a Social Justice Tool

However, CJ isn’t stopping at business consulting. She has decided to pursue a PhD in education leadership so drive further change in the world. I asked her why she felt a need to impact the US education system.

“Education is a social justice tool,” she said. CJ told me that her degrees opened up doors for her and people were blind to her color and gender. For CJ, education was a way to have an equal chance in the world.

“It saved my life and I’d like others to be able to have the same benefit.”

Plus, CJ saw a lot of opportunity in education policy. “Right now there is a lot of waste and mismanagement. Some districts cut classes but still put money into things like new furniture.”

In addition to inspiring others to succeed, CJ wants to ensure we have a robust system that supports them. CJ aims to open up as many doors as possible.

“Our jobs shouldn’t be about us and our ego, they should be about helping other people.” I asked CJ how she came to that conclusion. “It was just how I was raised,” she said simply.

If you are interested in business advice or coaching with CJ please check out her website!

“Life’s most urgent question is: What are you doing for others?”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Why Passion is Critical…as an Entrepreneur and as a Human Being

Passion has a bad reputation. It’s known for making us reckless, illogical, and all too quickly extinguishing itself.

However, I’d like to write an ode to the emotion and renew it as a crucial component of life. It is critical for success as an entrepreneur and happiness as a human being.

For Love not Money

Woe is the girl that marries the man based solely on large pocketbooks. After the 5 star wedding is over and riches grow boring, she will deplore that fact that she feigns orgasms in bed and will start to fantasize about the gardener or that company she should have started. A much happier woman is self-made and free to choose her soul mate based on chemistry, laughs, and common interests.

The same goes for start-ups. “If your primary reason to start a business is to make money, stop now.” This exact quote belongs to the CEO of 1-800 Dentist but I have heard many an entrepreneur say the same thing. The logic behind this is simple:

1. Start-up failure rate is between 50-70%

….which means that the odds are against you. Therefore, you might as well enjoy the process. After all, it is about the journey, not the destination. Plus, if you find an endeavor worth the time, it’s likely that others will as well. I had the pleasure of hearing Philip Kaplan speak at a Founder Institute session. Remember “FuckedCompany.com” from the early 2000’s? Phil created the site for one reason: because it was fun, especially during the madness of the dot.com bubble burst. Phil set up a subscription model that he hoped would cover his cable bill. He soon had more than enough to pay for every channel; he was earning $90K a month in subscription revenue.

2. Start-up life=no life.

If you start a company, you will disappear from anything known as a social life and your friends and family will assume you have died somewhere with stray cats eating your eyeballs. The ONLY way you will be able to earn their understanding and eventual place back into the social group is if you love what you are doing. People have respect for passion. They will say,” Look I don’t like it, but I understand that you are canceling on me tonight because of love interest X <insert company /hobby /person here> and this is the ONE shot to make it a go…..” They will NEVER forgive you if you cancel on them to do “oh, this random thing I don’t really like but may make me some bucks.” No one likes a sellout.

3. Passion makes for better……business.

If you are trying to raise money, VCs will want to invest equally in you and your idea. In fact, when I applied to the Founder Institute they didn’t even care what my idea was. They just wanted to know that I was deeply passionate about something. People with passion have a strong drive to bring their ideas to fruition. Lukewarm entrepreneurs are like limp……handshakes. They make people queasy and never lead to sealing any deal.

4. You may indeed have to bet the farm.

Or for city dwellers, your modern loft apartment and ability to buy seasonal Jimmy Choos. A start-up requires amazing sacrifice in both time and money. You have to love building your company more than building your couture collection. You also have to love it more than sleep. As with any solid love affair, sometimes the best things happen during the dark of the nighttime.

5. Life is too short to not have one.

I have never understood people that go hum-ho though life never caring about anything. Now, I understand that not everyone is meant to create or join a start-up. It’s a particular hobby for iron stomachs and the adrenaline obsessed. But that doesn’t mean the 9 to 5ers cannot have passion. From exotic travel to triathlons to opera singing there are many ways to invigorate your life. Find that which you care about and carve out time for it! Stop doing things that are ho-hum, stop dating people you don’t really like, and stop watching so much television! You will never get those minutes back in your life. Use your time to do something that makes you and the world better….or at least more fun. You’ll be amazed at how much happier and interesting you are.

PASSION CAVEAT

My caveat to all this passion talk is ensure that it’s validated. Some of us become passionate about everything and have regular flavors of the week. Fleeting love for people, business ideas, or inanimate objects often ruins our ability to see straight. Thus, it’s important to get honest feedback from the peanut gallery and validate our passion BEFORE we throw our life into it. Our peers will tell us if it makes sense and has longevity.

According another Founder Institute talk by Joe Betts Lacroix (founder of OQO, creator of the world’s smallest PC), the best way to receive passion feedback is to provide options.

For example: Imagine you meet your dream man/woman. “Isn’t Bob sweet and perfect!?” you exclaim giddily to everyone in earshot. If they can disguise their gag reflex your friends may go along with you for fear of confrontation. Thus, you need to present your passion along with 2 other ideas.

“Hey I have Bob, Rick, and Matt here. Now, which do you think is best?” When presented with options, the pressure is off and your friends can honestly tell you that Bob is a douchebag, Rick plays for the other team, and Matt’s great. They can also tell you that your idea to create breathalyzer bracelets is stupid but your iphone app idea may be worth something.

Then once you have a validated passion….go full steam ahead! Seize life, living and breathing your dream. Until death or acquisition do you part.

Heidi Isern

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What Would Machiavelli Do?

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Why we don’t have more women run start-ups.

Two Chicks, a Camaro, and Carla Bruni

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“Job Dating” : A new approach to the career hunt

Lessons on Humanness; Reflecting 1 Year After the Roadtrip

Italian Pleasure: Lessons from Rome and Florence

Interview with an Artist-Performance, Painting, and Perception

Diving In and Letting Go

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A Love Poem

A Lesson From a Blind Woman

Why I Love San Francisco…Food, Sea, and Dreams

The Paradox of Choice: Making decisions in careers, dating, and pizza

Being Real, a Tribute to Slam

Following the Right Brain Business Plan

Doing That Which You Don’t Want

Risk Taking

Happily Ever After??

Interview with a Beauty Queen-Marilyn Jaeger

What Makes Us Happy?

NOT Business As Usual: Applying TEDx lessons to my life

From East Oakland To Entrepreneur to Ph.D

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