DATING IN YOUR 40’s: MOVING ON FROM FIREWORKS
“I should be in love with you by now,” Rick called Susan to end things after six weeks of dating.
Susan was taken aback and dropped her phone. As a single working parent dating in her 40’s, six weeks felt like nothing! Romance was forced to fit between rigid co-parenting schedules, work calls, travel, and school plays. Dates happened around gymnastics routines. (Literal and metaphorical).
“How on earth could one fall in love this early while still sorting out calendars?” she asked me. “Our moments together have been really great, but there’s been no density of experience yet. Just stolen time, taken when we can. And I often have peanut butter in my hair.”
Rick had likely read my blog “How to fall in love in 5 minutes” where a younger me, fueled by European flings and an endless supply of free time, thought speed was the only way to love. “Shag, fall in love, and then see if you like each other” was the sentiment of the time.
It’s different now. When we have little ones to care for and careers to navigate, we must be prudent. Passionate love feels great at first, but it’s a drug that makes us spin out of control. It fuels panic and disillusionment when reality hits. It rarely lasts, unless layered on top of shared values, consistency, and compassionate repair when we inevitably mess up.
“I once wanted fireworks. Now I want a fireplace,” said another 40-something friend of mine who had been watching “The Golden Batchelor” for inspiration.
TEMPERING THE PASSION
Even romantic me agrees. Of course, I’m still passionate, with all the pros and cons. I have deep feelings to manage, which can be explosive (um, working on that bit). But these deep feelings also create deep empathy. I can slip into anyone’s shoes, Manolos or Rothy’s, in two minutes flat! Regardless of my heel height, I want to fall in love slowly…but ultimately fiercely. In this phase of life, dating while parenting and careering, I’m trying to concoct the perfect blend of passion and prudence.
I am not always successful.
Like many working mothers, I’m often in survival mode. Emotions are harder to regulate when stressed. And I place high value on my scant free time. My relationship needs have shifted from “fireworks” to consistency, appreciation, and compassion. I need someone that takes me out of the chaos, not adds to it. Those sexy Italian motorcycle riders (aka the hot accented avoidant men) I used to fall for? No longer appealing. I just don’t have time for more anxiety.
Most single parents understand. Except my friend James.
“But you wrote about your need for passionate love just a few years ago,” said James when I recounted Susan’s story. “You said YOU needed it. Didn’t two men even ask you out after reading it? Men need passion after all.”
“Um, yes,” I said. “But I wrote that before I actually started dating again. Old Heidi mode. New Heidi mode wants stability before passion. Can’t we build a castle, light a fire, and then someday throw a firecracker in it?”
“Just don’t burn down the castle,” winked James.
STANDING IN LOVE
I met Amy Chan in my single SF gallivanting days. She’s also changed her ways. In her recent book ‘Breakup Bootcamp’ she warns about love infatuation and its dangerous dopamine hit. “I do not want to fall in love. I want to stand in love,” she writes. “Falling in love is the easy part. Standing in love is the courageous part.”
She tells us we have too many fantasies about romance. All those old Disney movies and “Mr Big” stories from Sex and the City led us totally astray. No more pining for a saviour or an alluring avoidant.
Instead, choose someone who chooses you. Reliably, consistently, and loudly. — Jillian Turecki
Standing in love also means we repair when things get tough. Not immediately, because sometimes we need space. Not perfectly, because we’re human. But intentionally. Communication about what we did wrong or what we need next is hard to do and feels SOOOO unromantic, but it’s the only way forward.
THE CASTLE- FIREPLACE-FIREWORKS EQUATION
After years of failed romances, Amy ended up falling for her current partner after six platonic dinners as “just friends.” At first she thought he was boring without any sex appeal. But over time, her feelings grew. Castle. Fireplace. Fireworks. In that order.
Matchmaker Maria agrees. She says to find stable people with aligned values instead of just spark. She even has a 12-date rule: no sex until enough time has been spent together. Establish emotional intimacy first. When you become physically intimate early and oxytocin rushes in, it’s easy to mistake the relationship — and the person — for something it’s not.
Younger me wanted insta-love like a fast Uber trip. Older, 40-something me wants a long wait and a long ride. Roadtrip anyone?
Here’s what I wish I could tell my younger self, the one who wrote “How to Fall in Love in 5 minutes.”
The spark isn’t the relationship. It’s just for kindling.
And kindling? It burns out fast when you’re 40, exhausted, and juggling. It’s important to stoke that kindling, to repair it when it breaks, and ultimately use it to ignite something larger.
But to each their own. Rick, who wanted instant love, is now dating a carefree childless barista. I hope he finds his fireworks or at least a caffeine high.
Susan is building her castle, brick by patient brick. Some days there’s peanut butter in her hair. Some days she wonders if anyone will make time to truly see her. But she’s learning something Rick might not: that standing in love requires a foundation you can’t rush.
Castle. Fireplace. Fireworks.
Because the only thing worse than having peanut butter in your hair is falling for someone who can’t handle that you do.
“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” –Victor Hugo
