Heidi Isern

writer. thinker. whiskey drinker.

Who You Meet, Who You Love, and Who Sticks Around

Your timing determines who you will meet in your life

Your heart determines who you will love in your life

Your behavior determines who will stay in your life




Your timing determines who you will meet in your life

I used to scorn the concept of timing.  I was a romantic believing only in fate and destiny.  Plus when it came to time, I had loads of it.  Ms. Destiny was going to come knocking on my doorstep any minute with all the answers to my life.  “Ms. Isern, may I introduce you to your fate…”


However, after many years of destiny changing its mind and fate never appearing, I decided to intervene. Perhaps there was something to this “at right place at the right time” business.


With Twitter and Facebook we have plenty of available research to help us (research is not to be confused with stalking).  Everyone seems to broadcast which places they will be at when, increasing our ‘right place at the right time’ chances.


“Why Ms. Isern, what a pleasure. I had no idea you’d be in town for this event.  Did you know my company was here?”


“Er…no,” I stammered.  “What a, um, coincidence…”


Your heart determines who you will love in your life

Unlike timing, your heart is harder to manage with calculated plans.  I actually think they have done studies to prove that when you fall in love, your brain temporarily stops working. Focus is lost, reason is abandoned, and your co-workers discover you singing “The Wind Beneath my Wings” in the bathroom.  This grand emotion is illogical, uncontrollable, and completely without explanation.  But if it were any different, we likely wouldn’t have so many cheesy songs about it.


So since we cannot control our heart….we should just stop trying !


Some singles answer long winded questionnaires on online dating sites assuming that matching algorithms will predict true love.  Others review their date’s Linkedin profiles to ensure a pedigreed background before agreeing to cocktail number three.  And then there are those who make lists of all the qualities they want in a mate, hoping that they’ll find the perfect catch. I once met a girl whose dating criteria list was 3 pages long. “He must be 6’1”, have curly black hair, play the guitar, hate watching sports, own a yacht in Ibiza and enjoy the movie ‘Love Actually’…..”  Right.


It went *poof* out the door once she meet someone “off list” at a bar.  He was short, played the flute and watched Sleepless in Seattle.  But he charmed her with his eyes, scent and impeccable wit.  And more importantly they had chemistry, which no list can ever replace.


If we spent less time resume scanning, list making, and algorithm checking, we’d have more time for the real world and being in the right place at the right time.  And it’s in the real world where chemistry decides who we will fall for anyway.



Your behavior determines who will stay in your life

On a trip to Esalan I took a meditation class where we were taught to embrace the temporary.  “Everything is fleeting”, our guide said.  However, unlike our timing or our heart, we have full control over our behavior, which dictates just how temporary some things will be.


For example, everyone has a story of the “one that got away.” However that person didn’t really ‘get away’.  It’s not like they got sent off for a secret mission in Monaco while we were massaging their feet. No, no, that person left us because we acted abominably, refused to commit, or didn’t realize what we had until it was far too late.  There is an art to letting people go…however you need to hold tightly on to those you wish to keep.  Behavior, as they say, isn’t what you think, but what you actually do. I once met a man in Mexico that told me about his successful relationship with his wife. “She is more important than all my own bullshit,” he said. “I make sure she realizes it.”


This isn’t just for lovers. It goes for friends and work colleagues as well.  The most important things we have in life are the people we choose to surround ourselves with.  If we want to keep them we need to treat them all with care every day.   After all, no one wants to end up unemployed and friendless playing Cher’s “If I Could Turn Back Time…”   (not saying that I once sent this mp3 to someone once….ahem.)


If we help our timing, follow our heart, then all we really need to do is put effort into our actions…seems easy, doesn’t it?


“We create our fate every day . . . most of the ills we suffer from are directly traceable to our own behavior.”
― Henry Miller



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