As we gather around our tables this holiday season, I find myself reflecting on what truly matters: the ways artificial intelligence has enriched my life in ways I never knew I needed.

The Digital Decontamination Process

For instance, I’m deeply grateful that AI has made my writing more socially trendy with em dashes — so many em dashes — and phrases like “here’s the kicker” and “let’s unpack that,” which I then spend weeks training it to omit like some kind of digital decontamination process. But hey, now I know how to train AI.

When Dog Training Meets Machine Learning

I’m thankful for the seventeen-step positive reinforcement training plan AI generated to stop Rosie from barking at the mailman, which I printed out, taped to the fridge, and have consulted zero times while just yelling “Rosie, no!” like every other dog owner in America.

The Boss Reality Check

Here’s the kicker: I’m thankful for AI creating those beautifully verbose, twenty-paragraph syntheses of my research that I confidently send to my boss without proofreading, only to have him tell me they’re “a bit much,” which serves as a helpful reminder that my brain is still better than AI. Hopefully.

Co-Parenting in the Age of Algorithms

I appreciate how AI helps me rewrite all my messages to my co-parent, stripping them of emotion until they read like terms of service agreements. We now get along great, communicating exclusively in the warm, human tones of corporate email signatures.

The 1:30 AM Spiral

I’m especially grateful that AI has found innovative ways to fill the extra evening hours I have as a single parent — you know, that precious time after bedtime when normal people sleep? Instead, I now spiral deep into AI-generated analyses of Homeland episode symbolism, debating with a chatbot about whether Carrie’s choices in Season 3 were justified until I realize it’s 1:30 a.m. and I have a meeting at 7.

My AI Therapist Has Concerns

I’m thankful that AI has gently suggested I’m likely not bipolar, but perhaps should still consult a therapist because it’s detecting “erratic mood swings” in my prompt requests between 2 a.m. (“Write me a business plan for a hamster hotel”) and 2 p.m. (“Compose a formal letter terminating said hamster hotel concept”).

The Bike Loophole

And of course, I’m thankful for that impeccably detailed competitive analysis chart comparing road bikes I’m considering purchasing — complete with gear ratios, frame geometries, and value propositions — which I’ll reference exactly once before buying whatever’s on sale at Mike’s Bikes.

A New Kind of Inadequacy

And finally, I’m grateful that AI has given me something new to feel inadequate about. Before, I only had to worry about not being as successful/fit/organized as other humans. Now I can also feel bad about being less efficient than a algorithm that doesn’t need sleep, coffee, or emotional validation.

What Can’t Be Optimized

This Thanksgiving, as I sit across from my family, I’ll be truly thankful — for the reminder that the best things in life are still the ones that can’t be optimized, automated, or generated by a large language model. The warmth of analog hugs, the mess of real conversation, the aromas drifting from the kitchen, the gloriously inefficient act of just being together.

Although I might have consulted AI to write this essay.

Which it will definitely mention I should disclose. For authenticity.